Willa

Chapter Forty Two: Heaven and Hell

The years between Allie and I finally being together permanently, they were a little like heaven and hell all rolled into one. One minute we were in heaven and then thrown a little into hell. It was never by our hand, that we were in hell, it was always from another, from Utah, where the hatred for what Allie had done with me, it mounted. She really did have to live among the wolves as she rode out the last four years with Harper at school. Co parenting with Ben.

Ben, it was two years of the family encouraging him not to divorce Allie, not to release her from their temple sealing, when he actually met Jennifer in church and fell head over heals. He finally unsealed with Alberta at the temple then, and filed the divorce papers so that he could marry his new love. I'm not sure if he ever would have let Allie go, spiritually, if not. You see in our church, most couples get sealed in the temple, meaning you are married for all of time and eternity, family sealed together beyond death and the resurrection by keeping their sacred covenants. If a couple chose to divorce, the female can then not unseal herself, unless she remarried another male in church. The male however, he can unseal whenever he wants, doesn't that just irk you?!it did me, how a man can keep her this way when she has left him and yet he can just remarry without ever unsealing her. It's a man's world kind of crap.

Anyway, with Ben moving on with Jennifer, our news became more commonly heard. I would often visit for weeks, and be seen around town with Allie and Harper. We didn't hide who we were, or that we loved one another, not now Ben was moved on too, why should we?! This led to my fathers heart being broken, he was beyond the impasse now, he would never forgive Allie and I, something my siblings told me. My mom was silent on the matter, but this was about the time she realised if she wanted to keep me as her child she had to make her own decisions in keeping contact, and her bond with me. I think my mom realised my father had got to a point we would never meet again, and it's not how she wanted it to be, to never see me again. So, she packed a bag on one of the occasions that I was visiting Allie, and turned up with a nervous smile on her face, hoping she could return with me, to see my life outside of Utah, and to begin our healing. I of course took her back with me. Two weeks she stayed, we talked, we grew as individuals, we forgave, and we moved on...and this was when my mother finally returned to me. A healing occurred, my soul felt more peaceful than it had in years.

***
I work most days of the week in my grandparents pharmacy. I am now a fully certified pharmacist and spend most of my time in a white coat, glasses on and hair whipped up out of the way on top of my head.
Willa calls it the 'sexy scientist' look when she stays here with me, and it's hard to get out of the door for work without her pulling me back to her, her hands wondering beneath the white coat and her teasing words whispered in my ear. She was quite the devil when it came to keeping me a little longer than I should be, eking out every ounce of time, which I didn't mind one bit. My customers came to know when Willa was in town, because I was always, always, inevitably late, by at least ten minutes to open up.

"I'm so sorry" I would call as I raced from my car to open up.

"Willa home is she" the regulars would ask with a raised eyebrow.

I must admit, when anyone mentioned Willa my heart soared to hear it, it doubled in beats to be reminded of her always, and for people to once again think of her when they thought of me. We were back to being one.

The last few years have not been easy. Although Willa and I could not be happier, and could not be more content together. The journey to her on the east coast, permanently, it was littered with hate, anger, disappointment, judgement, and it was hell.

I got looks continuously as I walked down the street. The people I once loved from church, my friends even, they stopped talking to me all together. All I got now was looks, judgemental looks. "How could she leave her husband like that?" "A lesbian? Gross" "I hope she burns" "shameful she can walk about like nothing happened" "her mama would be ashamed of her" "she should let her daughter be brought up without her sin"

Yep they were cruel, mean, quite ungodly if you ask me, wicked, bullying and nasty. It did begin to pierce my armour slightly. I wasn't a robot. I got lucky though, my family, Augusta, Merrit, Abe, Hyrum and my dad, they were all supportive and loving. They took Willa into the family as if she was indeed ours. I guess she had always been family, and so it was a natural thing to have her as one of us, in a place she had always been, by my side.

Harper, my darling daughter, she had been strong and resilient when faced with so much prejudice and cruelty herself within the community. My huge fear was that it would make her resent us, and hate us, for making her go through that.

I wasn't expecting the fierce spirit of my own mother to burn in her so brightly. Harper was incredible, she let every word and every hateful comment wash off her back, a flick of her wrist as she sent it all flying. She didn't let it claim her, and as words didn't hurt her, the words stopped after a while. Harper was in no way ashamed of her mama or her aunty Willa. In fact she was so beyond proud of us, and so loving of us together. She became a great champion for the lgbt kids in the community, creating a support group for others, and my god that kid made me proud to be her mama. Harper was a great defender of what was right and fair, and as she grew up, hitting the age I had been waiting for, eighteen, she became the most beautiful and wise creature I could have ever imagined her becoming. Harper stayed in the church, she kept her time between Ben and I but she remained faithful. Ben had even planned her mission with her, she would go when she finished college. He was keen she stayed on the path she was on, and so far she seemed content to remain there. I was happy for her to do whatever it was she desired, and if that meant my child stayed in the church, if she was happy, then so be it. I only wanted her happiness, above all else.

Heaven was coming, and it was all but moments away.

As Harper blew out her birthday candles, that day in May, the family beaming with happiness and pride, my arms wrapped around her, squeezing her tightly... my baby eighteen, and me thirty six, it signalled our life here in Utah coming to an end. My path to Willa was clear. Euphoria reigned.