Willa

Chapter Thirty: Are you real?

"I will ring you tonight" I promised Morgan as I stood on her doorstep. I tug the black snapback onto my head tightly, as she pulls me back for a last kiss. It's a sweet and loving kiss that parts slowly, her lips drawing away and pulling my bottom lip with them. Her hands slip up my black t shirt, pulling my flesh back against hers as she stands in a sports bra in-front of me. The morning was already humid by eight am, her blonde hair is up in a pony tail and the loose ends tickle my cheeks as she kisses me harder, before pulling away and setting her eyes on mine "I don't want you to go" she says pouting.

I reach out and smooth my thumb over her cheek "I know, but my girls can't coach themselves"

She sighs "they need to learn to be self sufficient" she says childishly.

"I'll be back... in the fall break" I promise.

She tears up a little "That feels forever away"

I place my forehead against her own "it will go quickly...I promise"

"Willa ... I love you" she confesses.

I gulp a little, unable to say it back for a moment "I love you too" I finally reveal, and it's like a hallelujah moment, to finally confess that to another person other than Allie. It was something I had never done before now.

***
After Erica and Mary pick me up, we get a few hours into the journey before I see a road sign for the highway to Utah. I make a decision then, long overdue. I had been worrying about Allie for two weeks, she was quieter than usual, holding back in our conversations, and distant. We still spoke, and she would still email, but I knew I had to see her, if only briefly. I had to go to her, the feeling that a part of her called me home, it was almost deafening. I had spent five years silencing it, but now that we were back in contact and back to being us, I felt it again. When she needed me, I felt it, and it wasn't explainable, but when Alberta was in great pain, a part of me knew.

"I'm going to need the car" I inform them.

Erica and Mary look to me a little shocked. "Why" they ask.

I grab my backpack and the keys as we come to a stop at a rest stop.

"I have somewhere I need to be... but I will meet you at tonight's camp ground, just send me the details. I promise, I will be right behind you"

Begrudgingly Erica opens the door for me.

"be safe" Mary calls back to me, as I vacate the camper.

***
I sit in the yard, my hands deep in the dirt. Harper is at a summer school programme with the church. I have almost finished the design of flower beds that look like a diamond in the centre of our back yard. It is filled to the brim with colourful flowers of every colour, a welcomed piece of colour in a world that seems a little dark. It's been two weeks since I miscarried, and the clouds lift slowly. The days feel a little like I am trying to walk through treacle, slow and tiresome, but I know I will get there. I just feel so alone, so lost, and I know I shouldn't. I have a wonderful husband, a perfect and healthy child, and a roof over my head, but there is still always a sense of being adrift at sea, waiting for a hand, a life ring to be thrown... waiting to be pulled out of the waves that threaten to overcome me at any moment.

I stand and remove the gloves, throwing them aside, reaching up and removing the silk scarf that pulls my hair up and out of my face, allowing it to fall down in long silky waves. I shake out my hair and run my hands through it, taking a deep breath as I stand with my back to the house. My hands fall to my sides as I look ahead, taking in the mountains in the distance, thinking of Willa as always, and then I feel it, a tickle against my palm. Fingers thread through mine, and I gasp, my eyes wildly taking her in as I turn, my hand whipping away and covering my mouth to see her. Willa, she is here, stood with a gentle smile behind me.