Femme Empire

Old Pains

Cold rain beat on the window panes. Lightning flashed across the sky and the sound of thunder breaks through the oppressive silence in the sterile hallway.

A storm was coming.

Yet, it did nothing to calm the turmoil inside me. The tears had ong dried. I am in a state of trance, a soul estranged from the body, watching the horror unfold from somewhere beyond.

I could not pray. I had already said a thousand prayers until my lips had chapped. Georgiana and her wife stood on opposite sides of me, clutching my hands in silent, painful comfort. It was useless yet I wasn't strong enough to push their hands away.

The red light on the word O. T. glowed. My heart thundered as I thought of my little boy fighting for his life on the operation table.

Ethan had personally taken the responsibility to be an attending surgeon at the scene. I was beyond relieved to have him there, knowing he loved him as much as I did, knowing he would not let him go without a fight. The thought of Josh's smile frozen in death was enough to make me want to throw myself off the nearest balcony.

Time crawled by but there was no end to the despair of a mother who had no where to go. Yet, in that moment, all I could remember was failure, failure to be with him, failure to be the mother he deserved, failure to be his biggest champion and it was galling to realise that failure was the only thing I had achieved as his mother. So much failure, nothing but failure. Even God must have turned his eyes away from me in that moment in pity.

As I sniffled silently, it struck me with the weight of a train how much I had lost in the span of one evening. My company had been snatched away from me by none other than the sister of my heart and my son had been in an accident while coming back from school. Tom, our driver for the past ten years had been declared dead at scene of the accident. So much loss. I was choking with it. Yet, none of that mattered when I saw my son being rushed into the ICU covered in bandages and red splotches, his tiny glasses broken, his body mangled in scars. I had never seen a more horrific vision in my life.

The hardest thing in life was for a mother to watch her children suffer knowing that her hands were tied, knowing she was powerless to save them.

As I watched the white sterile wall with empty eyes, I pondered on how life could change in the blink of an eye, how one moment I had had everything and another I had nothing.

I hadn't been this powerless since I had been in the favelas, dreading to go back home without any money because of the beating I was supposed to get. I clutched Georgiana's hands tighter.

"Trust in God, amica. Everything will be fine.", she whispered stroking my hair.

I didn't speak. God was silent tonight. Only the thunder was loud outside.

" Did you know?", I whispered, my head resting against the wall and my legs numb.

"Did you know about Jules?", I asked.

She sighed heavily.

" I didn't. I swear I didn't know. I am on your side, boss. I always was. I always am and I always will be."

I laughed hollowly.

"Don't worry, Georgiana. Even if you aren't I don't care....I don't give a shit."

"Do you remember how we met?", she gently placing a tartarn blanket over her wife as she had fallen asleep on my other shoulder.

" I do. We met as all best friends do, in a strip club. Except you were the one stripping and I was the one paying for it."

"In my defense, I knew what you would be.", I told her.

" And what would I be?", she asked.

"Powerful. You were meant to rule."
                
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