Femme Empire

Funerals

The death of a loved one always led to us digging two graves- one for them and one for for us. The grief of being left behind was worse than the grief of the one leaving.

I had had enough of black. I couldn't wear any more black. My sanity was hanging by a thread. Loss upon loss kept hitting me in the chest, broke my ribs and drove the stake right through my heart. How much more of this could I take? How much more could I lose before I quit?

A woman's cry broke through the haze of pain. Tom's wife Martha wept over his grave. My driver had died trying to protect my son from the accident. They had found him wrapped around his tiny body, shielding him from the pain. He had given up his life acting as Josh's bodyguard.

I could never repay a sacrifice like that. For a billionaire, I felt painfully poor today. I couldn't buy my son's ability to walk, I couldn't bargain for Tom's life or my company. Five billion dollars couldn't buy me time Or life or love. Jamal was right.

I rubbed my eyes underneath my black shades. But, I couldn't afford to break down not when my life was in a constant upheaval.

So, I swallowed my grief and pulled Martha away slowly. She sobbed on my black dress, her fingers digging into my arms.

"I am so sorry, Beth.bI am so sorry.", I kept whispering to her. What else was there to say but mindless apologies?

" Don't...", she whispered. "Don't you dare say sorry, missy. Family does not say sorry. He loved your son like his own and he lived working for you. You saved our business, gave Tom a job. You have been our rock. Tom died doing what he loved. He wouldn't want it any other way."

"I am still sorry.", I replied hollowly. " You don't know how sorry I am."

The world started to numb again but Beth's hand was tight on mine. Warm and life-giving.

The kindly priest began his speech.

"We are gathered here to say farewell to Tom and to commit him into the hands of God."

He cleared his throat. Was there a merciful God above? I wondered. Was he listening to this? Or had he turned his face away?

"In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit....", the priest cleared his throat.

"....we bid goodbye to Tom Russell. All his life he was deeply loved and in death shall he received kindly in the Lord's kingdom....", the kind Father said in a kind tone.

I bit on my tongue to keep from weeping.

The priest went on to say more about him. It was a good service. A fully Catholic one worthy of the man.

The priest made the sign of the cross and let three hand-fulls of earth fall onto the coffin, saying: " You gave him life. receive him in your peace and give him, through Jesus Christ, a joyful resurrection"

"Our Father in heaven, we thank you that, through Jesus Christ, you have given us the gift of eternal life. Keep us firm in the faith, that nothing can separate us from your love. When we loose someone who is dear to us, help us to receive your comfort and to share it with one another. We thank you for what you have given us through Tom Russell. We now entrust ourselves to you, just as we are, with our sense of loss and of guilt, When the time has come, let us depart in peace, and see you face to face, for you are the God of our salvation. Amen"

The entire congregation said Amen. I did too. Even though I was a lost believer, refusing to bow on God's altar anymore, I prayed for the peace of Tom's soul. It was the least I could do for what he had done for me.

After we laid him to rest, I kissed the ground beside him.

"Muchas gracias, Tom. Gracias por cuidar de mi hijo.", I whispered in a choked voice.