Say The Word

Chapter 34-Truth Hurts...I'm In More Pain

"What...what do you mean it wasn't just the past six months? You told me it had just started six months ago."

"Yes," said Vati patiently. "I did say that, because you were going to sit for your exams, I didn't want your emotions to get affected. I'm telling you the truth now because your exams are over, and I assume you are an adult who can understand what I'm about to say."

My blood was boiling, threatening to spill out as hot tears at any moment. "No. You know what? No, I will not. Seriously? More lies? Just when I think we could make this father-son relationship work again, you come in and hit me with another lie? It's not fair, Vati. You cannot just keep doing this."

He took a deep breath, making a right turn into the environment I had to see for the past several months. "I'm sorry, Vastel. But you have to understand that I had to consider your feelings when you were still preparing for your O level."

"Don't make this about me, Vati. I will have you know that I would have been better off knowing the whole truth." Roaring waves occupied my hearing, all I knew then was just anger, pure wrath.

"The thing is, you're saying this now, but you don't know if you could have handled it back then"

"What makes you think that you know if I could not have handled it? What makes you think that you know what I can handle more than I do?"

"You don't understand-"

"I think I understand plenty, Vati. I understand that you don't trust me as your son to handle himself; I understand that you just do whatever you want without seeing if it was fitting, I also understand that you never understood me as a person like you always said you have."

"Vastel, I-"

"But you want to know what I truly will never understand? Why you behave this way, why you are so damn selfish, why you just do and say as you please. It does not take an adult mind to understand that you shouldn't have done what you did."

The car came to a stop in front of the same locked floral metal door. "Vastel, look, I'm sorry, I really am."

"Vati," I interrupted the self-degrading talk he was going to start. "Save it. I don't want to hear it, not today, not on my graduation day. Thanks for the ride and sorry for wasting the time you could have been spending whoever you're seeing now."

I slammed the door of his car shut. While I just had the chance to spill all the emotions, my body felt heavy, with guilt, exhaustion, or both did not matter much to me anymore. The gates swung open lazily for me, letting out the softest creak of resistance.

Time to shower and then bury myself in the blanket, I suppose.

▪▫▪▫▪

My chin was resting on my arm as I observed Elly prancing around from one corner to another in the green house. It was convenient that she had a chair with a backrest I could flip backwards to use as an armrest (or, well, an armrest for my arm that is my chinrest).

"I know we have free time now that school's officially for us and stuff, and it's not like I hate the company, but you've been coming here for the past two weeks. Is everything okay at home?"

"Yeah, I just get bored a lot; there is not much I can do."

"I've...been meaning to bring this up, but have you ever considered visiting Cebario?"

That question hit me in the face like a brick, my fingers unconsciously ghost over the covered tattoo on the left side of my chest. Of course I wanted to see them, every single time I shower or look into the mirror, before I finally get to sleep, every time I catch a glance at that permanent mark I made with them without a thought, I think about seeing them again. Of fucking course I have considered – no, not considered, desired to see them.

"I know you two are together and all, so I'm just wondering if you'd go see him."

"What if he does not want to see me?" I croaked. Yeah, what if all the time we spent together meant nothing to them? What if they were just there because I kept pestering them?

"I mean, why wouldn't he want to see you? You guys are literally in a relationship, no?"

"I don't know. I don't know if he feels the same way. Sometimes, when we were together, I don't know if we are just friends or more, whatever we have between us, I am just so unsure what to call it. My feelings too, I don't know if what I have can be called love."

She sighed, putting down the potted plant she was examining. "Vastel, then isn't going to see him going to clear things up? Unless you're scared of the fact that he murdered his parents?"

(Jesus, I almost forgot about that, no idea how, I just did.) "No, it is not like that, Elly. I trust that there is a reason for his actions, maybe I trust him too much but I don't care at this point. Some part of me just knows that he would not do such a thing without a reason, you know, like a sane person. And, it's not about me. None of this is about me; he's in literal jail, Elly. I can't just go in there and go 'hey, so remember me? I just wanted to know if what we had was a relationship'."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm assuming you haven't heard that he pleaded for not guilty and it was self-defense?"

"How did you-"

"I have my men going to the court for every one of his trial. I was told his lawyer was really good, by the way, so don't worry too much about that."

Oh, wow, sometimes I forget there are perks to being extremely wealthy. "When-"

She shushed me, tending to her potted plant once again as she continued. "I am also aware that he's being tried as adult because, you know, murder. I have one good news though: his sentence is probably going to be shorter, because, again, self-defense."

"How short?"

"Key word, probably. I was told that he would have other trial again in two days' time, that's when the sentence is finalised." She took a sample leaf from one of the plants carefully. "I'm hungry; let's go back to the house."

Like a deflated balloon, I sunk back into my chair. "No, thank you, your mother is scarily overwhelming."

Elly only gave me a sound of agreement before heading back into the grand brick-wall castle that never failed to fascinate me no matter how many times I had been there.

No news until two days later, huh.