Say The Word

Chapter 38- Why Do We Have To Suffer Again?

  Her face was pale and caked with beads of sweat as her body rested on top of her thick crème duvet, her usual bun was a mess spread of hair on her pillow, and an IV drip was stuck into her arm by one of the maids before. There were no other maids except for the one who took me spiralling up the steep stairs. She remained by Elly's side just like I did, only standing up while I was in a chair next to her bed. Her reassurance that Elly would be fine to my whispered panic hung in the quiet room, the dripping of the IV accompanying them.

"When will she wake up?" I asked, not looking away from Elly's unconscious body.

"Sir, I am unable to answer that. It is quite hard to tell when she will wake up, but there is already medication in her drips, sir," the maid's soft voice responded. "She will have to go into surgery soon, sir, in two weeks."

I did not know how to respond. What was there to say? The chances of surviving brain cancer is so low, I had heard papa talk about it all the time. Yet, something in me tells me that she could do it ─no, she would make it, no matter what. She would live.

▪▫▪▫▪

The maid left after a bit when the sky started to orange and there were signs that the sun was setting, I was alone with Elly. At some point, I nearly dozed off.

"...uck me..."

I snapped awake.

Elly, with her arm over her eyes, repeated, "Fuck me."

"El?" I nearly tripped trying to stand up with asleep legs.

"I'm right here, what are you doing here?" Her visible eyebrows knitted.

"You just...collapsed, right when we were walking through the field. Do you not remember?"

"I do, and yes, I'm going to go to Knight's with you."

"El, this is not a time to be talking about that, you literally just fainted! You didn't even tell me-"

"The maids told you?"

"No, n-"

"I'm so going to kill them," she gritted her teeth, attempting to mover her body down the bed.

"Elly."

"I was joking."

"Did not look like a joke to me. I asked her, El, I asked and she answered."

"I'm guessing it's just one person?"

"Yes, it's just one person, and I don't think it's fair to blame her. How are you feeling now?"

"I'm fine, Vastel, I'll be just fine. I...you weren't supposed to find out about this."

"I am aware of that, yes. But, you do not have to hide this from me, just so you know."

"I know, but I also know that you'll worry, a lot."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So what are you going to do now? El, you are so young, and you have to deal with...this."

"I just need to go in for surgery, come out, get chemo done, and then keep living, isn't that what happens to most people?"

"Well..." The words choked at my throat, statistics and the survival rates getting pushed down into my stomach. "Yes, I suppose so."

"I don't have to attend university anyway, I'm taking over this shitty company...A fraction of it, at least. I'll also be there when you go for Knight's, the entrance orientation is months after the surgery, we'll be fine, I'll be there when you move, alright?"

When I nodded, my head was hung, I could not look her in the eye, my heart was a mess and I just could not bring myself to look sad in front of her.

Her hands, the coldest it has ever been, rested in my bird nest of a hair. "I think you should go back now, it's getting late. I don't want you late for dinner. I know how important it is for you to have dinner with your papa."

I hugged her, arms tighter around her than usual, a little sad that I had to let go.

"I'll be just fine, Vassy, don't worry about me," she gave my back a few quick pats.

I tried my best to hold in my emotions when we pulled away and said our goodbyes. The fear and anxiety never went away even when I kept trying to convince myself that she would get through this.

A part of me really wanted to scream, really loudly.

▪▫▪▫▪

My vision was fuzzy and my head was pounding when I opened my eyes, bright lights in the antiseptic scented white room nearly burnt my retinas. I looked up to see Elly watching the news on the television hanging on the wall, not realizing that I have woken up, only focus on the newsperson talking about today's weather.

"Morning," I croaked, before clearing my throat.

She muted the news, "Good morning to you too, sleepy head. I told you, you should have just gone back and sleep, I'll be fine."

"It's fine, your surgery is at eight, I will not be able to talk to you if I went home."

"I know, and it's only five in the morning right now, you'd have plenty of time to talk to me. I'm not gonna die, dude, I'll survive, this isn't going to be my 'last time' talking to you. You, on the other hand, look like you've been bitten by an insomniac zombie and had starved yourself for the last ten days, so go get some rest when I get in."

"El..."

"I know, I know" ─ her gaze lowered, letting out a s oft sigh ─ "You're just worried, but I'm telling you, it's fine, you don't have to stay here with me until I get inside, nor go get a driving license just so it's more convenient to come back when you go to Tazania."

She was right. "I don't have to, yes, but I want to."

Confusion was written on her face, her eyes literally screaming the word 'why'.

"You're my best friend, El, you know I can't let you go through this alone. And...you and I both know what the doctor said-"

"'You must be aware that this may have a risk of you dying', yeah, I know, I was informed."

"Well, yes, that, but also, it's the other thing, your tumour may not be able to be fully removed, and I just...I just don't want you to be alone when you're like this."

"Vastel, calm down, it's just a possibility, it's not a certain thing, you just have to trust me on this one, alright?"

I nodded. Maybe I was really overacting...I hope I was.

For the next few hours, we talked, time flew, and I watched as she was pushed into the operation theatre, the green light silently accompanying me in the cold empty corridor. I stood there, still trying to process my friend's long gone presence until the surgeon showed up and I snapped back into reality to step aside for her. I didn't know what I was feeling if I were honest, I was not sure if I was feeling anything at all. L

Maybe that was how helplessness felt like: distant and empty.