Say The Word

Chapter 30- Leave Me Alone Or I Swear I Will... Do Nothing Because I Am Tired

"Can I please just go now?" I asked, in my head, annoyed. Some part of me wished I could just say those words to the three people standing in front of me without any overthinking. With my heart being a mess, the desire to just go home and cry my eyes out until tears can no longer come out of my eyes was strong, just not strong enough to interrupt Luzien laughing at whatever Sumi said.

"Buddy, you okay?" Luzien threw the unexpected question at me.

I shot up, a little dazed, stunned from the question. "Yeah, just a little tired."

Sumi shot me a sympathetic look, "It's been a long day, uh, I think it would be fair for Vastel here to go home."

A few murmured agreements sent me on my way to the gates of the school.

Papa's very familiar figure stood there, hand in his pocket. He was not alone.

Guess who was with him? Yes, it was, you guessed it, my other father, but only on paper.

"Mon chou, you are here," papa wrapped his free hand around my neck, pulling me in for that awkward side-hug you have with your parents, my face squished to his side. "I met your Vati on the way here."

"I know, papa, je peux le voir se tenir devant moi*," I replied, unwillingness to be there with him was shown in every word that came out from my mouth.

Vati's lips pursed, clearly trying to work things out with me, "Vava, how are you feeling, dear? Papa told me-"

"Papa, can we please go? I am really tired," my grip on papa's coat trench coat tightened.

He nodded, gazing at the other man apologetically, "Sorry, ch- Leon, Vastel had a long day, I think you would understand, right?"

"Sure, call me back sometimes, alright?" I could feel his gaze on me as we turned our backs on him.

The only noise that occupied the silence was the howling wind that made a mess of my hair. Papa's car was filled with the smell of antiseptic ─ the smell papa called the 'hospital smell'. Oddly enough, it was sort of comforting, like taking a breath of fresh air when everything is a mess. A sigh escaped my lips, breaking the chaotic tranquility between papa and me.

"How was the show, Vastel?" papa asked, tapping his finger on the wheel, waiting for a chance that allowed him to take a left turn.

"It was fine, pa, just a lot of lights and people."

"Of course."

Our conversation died down, leaving papa to his driving and me to my habit of looking out of the window. Or so I thought.

"Vastel, you did not have to be so rude to your own Vati back there, you know," he said, hinting a conversation I did not want to partake in ahead.

"Papa, I am just really tired and I wanted to go back."

"I understand, but could you not have at least greeted him? You dislike him, and I will not push you to tell me why, even when I do not get it. However, you still have to acknowledge him, he is also your father; you cannot just ignore him."

"Fine, I admit that I was 'rude' to not greet him. It is not like he would have cared anyway, so why bother? It was not like he considered himself rude when he cheated on you."

"Vastel." My papa's voice stern.

"I'm sorry."

"Vastel, this is a problem between adults, and I want you to know that it is okay to let the both of us handle things on our own."

"It no longer is between the both of you when it affects also me. It no longer is between the both of you when it contradicts his teachings to me. It no longer is between the both of you when he cannot even be honest to his family. The one thing he taught me to value and care for with my entire being!"

Tears were prickling my eyes when I screamed out the last sentence. Papa looked at me in, what I can only assume as, shock. Time felt like it stopped for a bit there. His fixated look of astonished horror was only interrupted by the honking from behind, breaking away to focus on the road.

While the rest of the ride back was filled with an unspoken apology and the clear sound of heartbreak, and so was every moment spent in the school's meeting room in my head.

▪▫▪▫▪

My body did not feel like mine. I was looking straight at the desk on the opposite side of the bed, my body sideways, head on top of a pillow with dried up tears; eyes of mine unblinking. Every time my heart pumped blood, I could hear it crystal clear. Nothing interested me, the energy in me was drained out entirely; even breathing was exhausting.

Numb, I felt...numb. It was as though my brain was the one torturing me, and I just let it be, not even wanting to prove it wrong or fight back. All the conversations and choices I made that was Ceb related were on loop. If I had not talked to them or forcefully made my way into their life for something I thought was right, maybe Sumi or Elly would not have gotten into trouble. Maybe if I had checked up on them a few days earlier, things would not be as bad.

'Not everything's about you, you know?'

Which was true, but it was hard for that truth to pop out, and even harder for me to accept.

I closed my eyes again, turning my back to the grey office desk I was facing just a second ago. Sheets pulled up to my neck, isolating my body from the cold outside world. My eyes, head, and heart felt like somebody had forcefully ripped them out, made them explode, and stuffed what was remaining back into all the wrong places (This sounds gross, but it is the only way I know how to describe it).

Thankfully, the heavy curtains blocked out the natural light from the goddamned sun. Rhythm ticking from the clock hanging on my wall was the only indication of time that I chose to ignore wholeheartedly. This world could just...fuck off and leave me alone. Some part of me wishing that it was all a lie and Ceb would still have a bright future; that I would still be able to see them rushing into the classroom a few seconds before the teacher enters; that I would still be able to feel them instead of their lingering touches of affection.

▪▫▪▫▪

I do not know how, but I managed to fall asleep again. For the entire day, I was in and out of consciousness. Sounds of the creaking hinges swinging from downstairs could be heard from where I was, forcing me to peel open my eyes unwillingly. Tinted in blue, my room got significantly darker than the last time I was awake. Sweat stuck the fabrics to my skin, yet all I did was lay there in the feeling of discomfort.

Two quick knocks fell upon my door. "Vastel, mon ange, are you okay? Can I come in for a bit?"

No answer was given to him, I was too tired.

"Can I take this silence as a yes?"

I opened my dry mouth, not a word came out of it.

The door knob twisted, I could not even bring myself to turn over for a mere glance. "Vastel? Are you sick? Are you okay? How long have you been in bed?"

All that came out from papa was questions, questions and more questions of which I, too, was unable to answer. Was I sick? Okay? Alive? What time was it? Six? Seven? Eight? Who knows.

"You did not cook anything, right? I will go prepare some food, alright? Let me just get out of my work clothes first, okay, mon canard?"

When the door closed, a tear rolled down my cheek. Sometimes I wondered why I never went to my papa when I needed help with anything. Every move papa made, I was aware for I was already aware of his presence in the house. My insides were thrashing around. For what reason? I had no idea. Maybe because I could not bring myself to tell somebody what was wrong, or it was maybe because I felt so vulnerable I felt ashamed of myself that for once it was going to be shown to someone, even if that person was papa, or perhaps it was the guilt that I should have been studying for my O levels instead of wasting time dreading my existence the whole day.

Right...O levels. How much had I covered? I do not think even god knows.

Lord, save me from this nightmare.

*je peux le voir se tenir devant moi - I can see him standing in front of me