Say The Word

Chapter 3- The Silence Was Getting To Me

  "Let's just say, I was a jerk to him, alright? Not helping someone is a jerk move, and I knew it too. Guess I was too much of a coward, so don't do that to him if you ever manage to befriend him. Never abandon him like I did."

What she said a week ago, when I asked that question, still lingered in the back of my mind.

"Hey," I whispered to him quietly, once I took a seat in front of him on the long wooden table.

Cebario looked up at me; his eyebrows forced together, a frown pronounced on his beautiful face. He growled low, "What do you want? It's been a week. Stop it already."

"I'm just a friend saying hey to another friend in the library. What does it look like?" I grinned at him, trying to keep things as light as possible.

"We are not friends. I don't need any, so stop. You are nothing but a nuisance, so would you please just kindly fuck off?"

"Aw, but, Cebario, we're friends though?" I was definitely pushing it.

He gave me a look, and shot me a sickly sweet grin, "Aw, but, Vastel, it's all in your head."

"So fuck off," his faked smile quickly dropped into a scowl. "I don't care if you don't care about those other people. I don't care if you're lonely. And, I sure as heck don't care if you're just trying to entertain yourself with my presence. I'm trying to survive this hell hole, so would you just do your own thing like everyone else? That was not a question, so you should know what to do."

Ouch. Okay, maybe bothering him for more than a week was a little too much. To be fair, I did sort of overstep my boundaries. But then again-

"Mr. Senikos, Mr. Rotenberg, if you're not going to read, please leave. Your little conversation has disturbed others," the librarian appeared out of nowhere, warning the both of us. He glanced at Cebario, "And, Mr. Senikos, try not to swear as much as you just did, you wouldn't want the others to hear you."

Cebario stared directly into his eyes, in an indifferent tone, he said, "Whatever, Jerry, I'm leaving now. I have to since someone doesn't want to."

"Don't worry about him; he's always been like that. Don't let it get to you," Jerry sighed, walking away.

I ran after Cebario, not wanting to lose him. Even though I have overstayed my welcome, I didn't want to just satisfy my curiosity anymore, I genuinely did want to befriend him.

Trailing behind him, I realised that he was heading for the roof. "Cebario, hey, wait."

He did not stop.

"Hey, Cebby!" I called.

Stopping dead in his tracks, he turned to only give me a grimace of anger. "What the hell did you just call me?"

"Sorry?" I got his attention, but it was in the worst way possible.

He repeated, in a tone I could only describe as ominous, "What. The. Hell. Did. You. Just. Call. Me?"

"Ceb...by..?" Oh-

Oh, my lords, what have I done?

"Never call me that again, Rotenberg, or else," he spat viciously, disappearing up into the stairs. That just killed all my hard work. One slip up ruined the effort I had put into the whole week. I managed to kill all my hard work.

▪▫▪▫▪

"Well, try to give him some space or something. Not going to lie to you, I don't think he would like anything related to me," Elly said, still packing up her books.

She was someone who cared about him enough to get me, an outsider to make sure he was not lonely. Okay, sure maybe she did something that pissed him off, but were her actions not enough to make Cebario to at least forgive her?

"You could ask him what he wants most, maybe you could start there?" she swung her sling bag onto her shoulder, "He has always been a straight forward person, you could start there."

"How about his boundaries?"

"It was just a suggestion, Vassy, you don't have to do it," she said, before walking out of the classroom.

I stood there, mildly confused by these two ex-friends. One was desperately grasping on to the already broken friendship, the other couldn't even bear anything that even reminds him of her. What on Earth have I gotten myself into?

▪▫▪▫▪

Nothing but quietness once again, such contrast to my school life, I should say. Just another lifeless building my papa called home and I called house. I pushed open the paint stripped gate, entering the private compound, walking down the path surrounded by unattended and untrimmed lawn. The door creaked open with a twist of the heavy antique skeleton key, I stepped into the barren space.

"Je suis de retour*," I mumbled. It slipped out of my mouth, it was habit and I was not fast enough to catch myself. It was not like there was someone who would be able to greet me back. No life was found, as always.

I put my books away, ready to prepare dinner, for the both of us. Washing my hands, rolling up my sleeves, ready to dice the vegetables into cubes, and I let my mind wander into the clouds. It had been a month, my papa had not even asked me if I was fine, or everything at school was alright. I wished he would have at least asked me how well I was coping with the change of environment. He wouldn't be home for another lord-knows-how-many hours, since he was a doctor who had to attend to his precious patients (according to him). Not that I did not understand that his income was crucial for us, but sometimes I did get lonely, especially a time like that, when I needed advice from someone who could provide me with a different point of view.

Placing the vegetables into a container, I moved on to the freshly bought meat. Tonkatsu* with curry had been on my to-make list for quite a long time. Maybe he'll actually say something if I made it right. My head went back up into the clouds, thinking about my other 'father' (Yes, I had two fathers).

Do I miss the man I call my Vati few weeks ago? No, not really. He was the one who caused the chaotic changes in my life after all. I never understood his intentions for his actions. Yet, it was fine to me, things were still the same, just slightly different, it's just the place and my name. What's new?

However, he angered me. What he did, it made no sense. I was in no place to judge, I just could not grasp the reason as to why anyone would cheat on their partner. How do people just...stop loving someone? The intrusive thoughts infuriated me. Raising the rolling pin as high as I could, I managed to blow off some steam by destroying the poor defenseless piece of pork. Tears somehow spilled started to spill from the corners of my eyes as the force I used gradually increased. A lump started to form in my throat, bubbling up to my mouth.

Why would he do that? Why would he ruin the one thing I thought was fine? Why would he just not care about it? Why hadn't I realised? Why hadn't I picked up the signs so I could prepare myself? Why? WHY?

My vision was eventually fogged with tears, making me a sobbing mess. My brain swarmed with waves of negative intrusive thoughts. I gripped the rolling pin as tightly as possible, suppressing my enraged cries. Another day, another meal, another break down. I was starting to get tired of the cycle, of my thoughts, and of the apathetic silence whenever I was in that house. I just wanted something to hold on to. Was it too hard to ask?

* Je suis de retour – I'm back

* Tonkatsu- Japanese pork cutlet