The Tour. | +18 | BWWM

𝄞 11 | The Interview

"It's too urban," Paulie says. The Ceo of the fast-food chain nods his head along with Paulie's words.

Too urban?

What does that mean, too urban?

I ran the words over and over in my mind and something about them stuck to the back of my teeth like taffy. No matter how many times I turn too urban over, it never stops making me mad. First, I had to come up with a way to sing Express Yourself by Charles Wright & The Watts 103rd. Street Rhythm Band. Then that covered version by NWA, who spun it a bit in a very interesting way. So, it took time to figure out how to combine them. Hours and hours of practice for this interview. The camera was rolling and the live red light gleamed at me angrily.

Paulie glances behind him at the man in the nice suit from the Midwest. His gleaming smile matched Paulie's friendly look. I had nothing else prepared. They said to have a cover ready for the interview, then they asked a bunch of questions about my life. Then we would do the song and done for press day. I was the second to last person, and I thought maybe I should be mad for a moment. But one look at the eye roll from Lucia on Team Broadway said, enough. This was a shadow asshole statement, and the song was probably, for the most part, fine. They didn't say I missed it up or sang it wrong, they were talking about the choice of songs.

"Yes, too urban Paulie, if she has another, maybe she can do that one?" The blue-suited Midwest CEO said. I didn't have anything. Yes, I'm on Team Rock, I get it, really I do. But I didn't audition to be on Team Rock. I sang a gospel song. I didn't hide what I am. Zoey picked something rock today but her audition song was R&B. Plus, the song I picked was super upbeat. I felt pressured from all sides as I shifted in the seat. My computer with the beat program and everything else out on the table and my guitar in my hand. I felt like I was in a corner with only Lucia on my side. Zoey went to the hotel to hang out with the other contestants who were done. I told her to leave me behind. It was the right thing... I didn't think it would be a huge deal, but why did everything feel so pressured?

The side room was tiny and behind Paulie and the Midwest, CEO was the control room. This area separated the control room from the club lounge with the sponsors and the VIP. But they seem to be still having a great time in the sky lounge above the Arena. For some reason, I felt so tiny in this room. All of it didn't feel like Sacramento, not even a little bit. I wonder if Alice felt this way when she arrived at the queen of hearts palace. As if the walk through the looking mirror was nothing to open the door to the palace of hearts. After all, heart's palace, with its opulence, must have been another universe to Alice.

The redist of light shines into my eye and the tiny room closes in on me. I zero in on the feeling. Played a song.

Too urban this.

It's funny. How small the world gets... My mother and grandmother spent more time singing than talking to me. Which caused me to sing before I talked. So, I did the only thing I could; I sang.

It was still urban, whatever that meant. I sang it because it was me and it didn't matter if I tried to change or didn't change what I do. This is what got me here, and this is what I sound like. I can't be anyone else but me. Whoever the who they wanted wasn't going to be me ever. Even if I tried to change, they'd never be happy. It was one of those split moment gut checks. That feeling that they were looking through me and I went with it. I wasn't going to twist myself sideways to be whatever ghost or person they were looking for.

But I sang it with my eyes closed. I didn't want to see them anymore. I didn't want that stupid red light. I didn't want that little room. Most of all, I wanted to forget that Midwest CEO, who was a major sponsor, and Paulie. He might be the head of Slither Records and the host of the show, but most of all, fuck him. I sang the back out of that song and I did it for myself.

The last words to the song fall from my lips with a smile. It's an old song, but I dug into it. But when I open my eyes from the darkness, Paulie's smiling face is more like a death mask than enjoyment. At that exact moment, I promised myself I wasn't going to twist into a pretzel for Paulie. Because that way leads to so much self-hatred that I would never find my way out. Never know my true shape and sound and love it. That way lead to wolves and I saw it in that ugly smile of his in seconds. It was a knowing. My grin slides from my face as I brace for impact. So much for being picked to be a contestant.

A/n: Love this song. Thank you for your support. I've been speed posting the Tour and hopefully I can stay on pace. Also, I see so many of you reading both Finding Noah and The Tour. Thank you so much for following both journeys and coming so far with me.