The Tour. | +18 | BWWM

𝄞 26 | It All Falls Apart - Part 1

It's the third time I've rolled over. I can't go back to sleep, it isn't going to happen. All the things moving through my mind won't quiet down even a little bit. Although fewer people move into the house, a crowd is still there. I should probably move out of Asher's place. Maybe stay at a hotel or something before I take a plane? What a fucking mess. What the hell was I thinking? It's like when I'm with Asher sometimes I just jump off that cliff. If I jump high enough I'll reach the stars and sometimes I do. But it was the first time that he wasn't there and I couldn't reach him. I fell to Earth. No looking down first. No Wheelz! Everything that is me is sucked into his gravity. I'm such an idiot. I turn into the pillow and the smell of smoke and whiskey is all over the bed. Frustrating.

All five locks click one after another in a click, click, click, click, click of opening. I left the light on in his room and it's weird gazing through the door into the blackness. The light was soft making the room hazy instead of fully lit up. He steps through the door and that ugly expression isn't gone. Closed off and shut down. The only difference between this and the night of our first kiss is he got past that closed-off moment. But the hint of anger was still there in the parking lot. But this time there's no anger here. He looks like his brother with those eyes. Broken sharp shards of unforgiving glass.

He closes the door behind him with a click, click, click, click, click.

I expect him to say something like hey sorry for ignoring you but he doesn't say a word. Instead, he takes off his shirt and all his gorgeous tattoos are on display. Then he kicks off his shoes. Even his feet are tattooed. His hair is in perfect order, all business. It's the kind of style someone takes hours to put together but he pulls it off in minutes.

When we drove up to his house after the show he saw all the people outside his house. I watched him as he put a dress shirt on and his hair was styled like that and then he locked up his bedroom again. He turned into a man who looks too old for his age. Too professional to put together, too perfectly remote. He was like cut glass and it hurt to look at him. But when we went out to that party we were connected. He took my hand, and we did the thing he had to do. But the night didn't end the same way it started.

Asher unbuttoned the first button of his jeans and sat back on the seat facing the bed. Watching me... waiting... ? He told me that he knew about his brother. He knew about the drugs he carried that guilt. It was the way Paulie and Tucker control Dustin. If they had to control Dustin, that means they had to control Asher. You need both to control the band. To control the music, to control the money. If you need both to do that, how did they control Asher?

"The men in my family destroy everything they touch," Asher said. The memory echoed as cold inky fear grew in my heart.

I left him alone at the party with those models and Tucker. Did he even notice I was gone? Everything is fucked up. I had a bad feeling about this place. Deep down from the second I went through those double doors. I knew something was off.

The most off thing of all is the thing I can't get out of my head. How did Paulie and Tucker control Asher? Its sure as hell wasn't drugs, not booze either. He doesn't drink to excess, and when he's around Tucker he completely closes down. Tucker wouldn't need to be in control of a booze pipeline. That's perfectly legal and you can go to any liquor store on the street. He said he and his brother had a lot in common; they were both addicts? Breathing became labored for me but I kept faking my sleep as he watched me. Deep down... I knew. I knew......the moment I got here I knew... that unease grew. My world was breaking apart but at the same time, I could feel it breaking for Asher too. But maybe that was me not really understanding. A part of me realized that I was wrong. It wasn't breaking for Asher, for Asher maybe it was never really whole. His pupils were blown out like his brother on stage that last time.

I can't fix this. But I want that look in his eyes gone. Nothing good can come from it. Do something Wheelz!

Our gazes met, his without those stars I so love. Instead the void, black glass that's shattered to pieces. His shattered eyes met my red ones still filled with tears. We were a pair, that for some reason we were fitting together but now not.

I took a deep breath and sat up against the headboard.

Sometimes you get chances, and you miss connections. It doesn't work out. Not everyone gets the happy Disney ending where their moms go into remission. Where she sees you graduate high school. Where the guy you dated your whole life doesn't move on. Where your brother doesn't kill himself and the rehab works. Not everyone gets a good ending. And even if you are Asher Kells and you get the good ending, it might be covered in blood and not all that good after all. Yeah, we had that in common. The shit you can't tell your friends about because they don't get it. Their life is still a Disney movie. And yours is the 90s shitty version of a Lifetime movie. The type of movie where Lifetime hates everyone in the movie and fucks them all over.

This wasn't a movie, it was life and in the same way, I'm Wheelz at the party. The type of person who doesn't drink because I want to tell my mother every little thing when I see her again. I had to be myself because that was my only option. Our gazes were so intertwined as if the words that should be there would be said in any second. Except, maybe both of us knew the truth. We didn't have them. I just knew things were fucked up. Felt it so deep it was nearly giving me a panic attack.

The song Hurt, by Trent Reznor, flashes in my head. When he had to pick the version he picked the saddest one. The first line. "I will make you hurt." And everything about him raced through my mind. Mischievous smiles, taking care of a little girl he was desperate not to hurt. Hanging out with his two close friends, trying to be normal when he's not.

"Asher, teammate, just Asher. Besides, I'm just a regular guy." I remembered what he said to me with those earnest eyes.

Choices...

I had choices really I did. Ask him to take me to the airport and I could fly home being the top of the list. I had the money to do it. All of this would be over. I had somewhere to be and totally forgot about it. I had a great weekend but I'm feeling a little homesick. Hell, I could even get Zo to send me a get-out-of-jail-free text which would explain my red eyes. Oh, some big emergency I got to go. I didn't want to be the fuck buddy having a freakout because she felt alone. Got confused because of mixed signals and niceness. I could do it... really... I could.

So, it's time to figure this out. What do you want to do Wheelz? Because this isn't going to be pretty.

That was a good question.