The Tour. | +18 | BWWM

𝄞 36 | Fly

On our last night together maybe part of me knew. The signs were there that he was lying to me. With each kiss in those quiet moments, the front of my mind knew what the back of my mind was hiding. I can't lie to myself. I practiced the song. I knew. But I never got to sing the song now, did I?

"Mike Choo," the dean calls out and a young guy walks across the stage. He shakes the dean's hand. Heat bakes down on my brown skin under my graduation cap. I lean my head back and stare into the clear blue sky as if I could see the stars and settle my mind. But I can't. I kept going over the time before I found out again and again.

The dress rehearsal before the last show. Asher pulled me into his thick chest as soon as the door closed in his trailer.

I knew we probably weren't going to win, and it was an end of sorts. But I felt like we could maybe make it work or at least stay friends. Friends who might do more things together from time to time. I wasn't looking for forever. He's not that kind of guy. If he was even remotely that type he would have more than rumors about girlfriends. Those girlfriends and hookup rumors would stick with one girl and they never did. So, I wasn't naïve or fooling myself. Forever wasn't one of the few notes Asher knew how to play but I was perfectly ok with right now. If it was coming from a place of honesty. That's all I asked honestly. I didn't need him to love me back. What my heart does is what it was going to do. It wasn't on him to return anything to me but honesty.

He lied though.

A lie of omission but it was a lie all the same. It hit the mark for causing me pain just as efficiently. But that night was unforgettable. I put my hand over my eyes to shade my gaze. A plump white clouds that won't ever drop rain in California pass slowly by.

His hand touched the side of my neck over my bird tattoo and was soon followed by his lips. It was feather-soft. Just a brush of sensation. A hint at things to come. I shuddered at his touch, my whole body dancing just for him. That all too familiar feeling of him reaching out to me. With the hints of whiskey and burnt sugar. A little sweet and smokey at the same time. I lean into his lips, my hot breath coming in pants. He pins me against the door. Asher's lips at my neck never change his pace. He lifts my leg and I lean back into the door. I want so much more so much faster but he's slow. In that same way, he was when we were together the night after he told me about his addiction. It's as if he's trying to prove to me he's here with me. That this isn't just a fuck that it's more.

That it's...

Love him...

I bite my lip keeping every word I want to say in. A nice safe place that won't end up hurting me. The pain pulls me back to just the two of us cocooned in this little space and his hand moving along my body in a languid caress.

I shut my eyes as his hand slips under my t-shirt. Asher cups my breast and over the thin lace of my bra his thumb brushes across my stiff nipple.

But when I open my eyes, I'm not there. The blue sky minus one fat white cloud.

"Alice Dender," says the dean. This time a small part of the audience claps. I can't figure out if that blue sky is a blessing or a curse. The graduation carries on with or without me. The tassel from the square cap tickles my forehead but I couldn't laugh even if I wanted to. That hollowed-out feeling carries with me. It's like the moment of finding out he lied to me and that emptiness is stretched out.

Looking back when I think about it. How big was the lie? He knew my reason for doing this contest was to spend time with Zoey and hopefully help her win. He knew. Did he know that Zoey won then? Did he know that Paulie would try and make us battle for some dumb grand prize? Did he know all this and didn't bother to tell me? All I wanted from him was honesty. It wasn't much. Might seem dumb to other people but for me it was heartbreaking. I wasn't going to get into a situation with someone who couldn't be honest with me again. It hurts too much. And I didn't want to be in a cockfight against my best friend. The way Paulie goes about anything he's an underhanded piece of poo. Whatever his big plan wasn't going to be fair because the man hated me. It wasn't going to be pleasant, and he'd try to extract extra pain from the both of us if he could.