The Tour. | +18 | BWWM

𝄞 35 | The End

The stage lights came up. Paulie was on stage announcing the third-place team. His normal slick suit and slick smile were in place. But there were cracks behind his affable smile. I could tell by his clip voice he wasn't happy. But the second those lights came up, and he walked on stage that mask went right in place perfect for the audience. I doubt the arena or the people at home could tell. Not to mention everything was off tonight. A part of me needed Asher so bad and even being with him wasn't enough. It was the first time in a very long time that we came together and became more distant. It made no sense.

At every applause line, the audience was with Paulie. He had that 60s tv show host vibe, but it worked for him. It smoothed out all the snakeyness in him and you had a habit of looking past his shallow smile. With all the teams waiting on the side it was a weird lineup. Team Pop with the two blondes Roberta and Brenda were bouncing in their fine dresses. Robi smiles at me and I have to admit whatever they tried to make her into she didn't go with it. Brenda is still a gossip but like the one you know but not the bitch who gossips. I like her, hell I like both of them. Team Broadway with Lucia and Kyle on our left side were just as happy. It had to be the first time I saw Kyle not on his phone hyping up his TikTok audience. Lucia was radiant. I am so happy I met her. She's a new friend and I am not great at making new friends. But Zoey right next to me wasn't into it. The shadow of her tears wasn't hard to miss. Something broke in her. Whatever she wanted to be as a professional musician changed. Whoever and however she wanted to interact changed totally. I've made it a point to stay offline and not check anything. It's sometimes better not to tempt the internet. I know Zo hasn't been checking it either. But the sadness of that broken dream was palatable.

I take Zo's hand in mine. It felt like I was reaching across space. The normal warmth in her hand was completely absent. It was cold, chilled without any of the normal bounce to her. Even when Paulie screwed us over in the first contest, there was optimism in Zoey. Whatever was there was gone. I wish she realized that no matter what happens here, win or lose, she can be whatever she wants to be. Zo had one dream to be a professional musician. It's always been that way. She and I would put on little shows for my mom. She's always been like this and it's the only thing that carried her through high school. Even though she ended up doing home school her last two years.

A part of me expects Zoey to move forward just a little bit from the night before. But when I stopped and thought about it I realized the truth. For her, it was the death of something that was a fundamental driver for her. People always tell gay kids and trans kids it gets better but bi kids they don't bother. No one notices them. I remember when we stopped at the help center for LGBT youth and there was L, there was G, and T helped but Bi not so much. The Bi outreach was at best an afterthought. I went with her because she was so alone and I'd already left school and was going to college classes. I didn't know what to do, so we went and it was a mistake. It was a monumental mistake. It resulted in her feeling even more alone and isolated. It wasn't like she could talk to her older brother about it because he is... a different kind of guy. I was it and I couldn't because I was straight. I could only look from the outside looking in when it came down to it. It felt like I was failing. Then one day it was like she shut the door on certain parts of herself. She didn't go near some people. She even kept her distance from me and I had to physically enter her space to get her to connect with me again. It was like her mind created a plan. Music or nothing. Maybe a part of her figured that it doesn't get better like they say for people like her. Then she could just act like that part of her was split off from the rest. That maybe no one would notice. She never hides that she was bi, but it was never something that was broadcasted either.

I don't think Zoey is going to break apart like the other night but a part of me wants her to not feel so alone for once.

"Zo, I love you." She looks at me like I'm crazy as I throw that bit of random at her. "You, my bitch..." The cluelessness on her face shifts into a smile.