3...2...1...ACTION!

Chapter II: Whatever It Takes.

I got out of the shower to look at my naked body in front of the bathroom mirror, it was foggy because of the warm water that I had used. It was so warm it could've burnt my skin, I still liked it better that way. My skin was red from the water and smooth, I looked beautiful, I felt beautiful. Then, why do I feel so dirty? I looked at my curves, the way that they would either lead your eyes up to my chest or down to my waist. My body looked clean but it never felt this way, men always felt lust around me but I never had this feeling towards them before. They wanted me but I wish they never did. Whenever a man wanted to get intimate with me, I would put up an act, maybe then I could see some worth in me but I never did. I always seeked some type of validation but this was just not the same as the one that I desired. I wanted people to want me because they knew me, they knew who I am, because they knew my name, my personality — everything about me and not just my body image. I wanted the entire world to know who Jennifer Louise Rivers truly is.

I walked out of my bathroom and glanced at my watch to check the time, six thirty, I still have an hour or two to get ready. I decided to take my time while choosing an outfit and a makeup look, that way I would be able to push those thoughts away once again, and put up the same act I always push myself to keep. I ended up picking a red wine dress, it was a modest yet tight dress. It looked good on me and I knew people outside will think of me as a beautiful woman who is showing just enough to make them want more out of my body. That's not what I want, I just want to be able to put on this dress without having men wondering what is underneath it. In fact, under this body under this face under this act, there's me. A young woman struggling to keep up with society trying to figure out her true self and place in this broken world. I sat in front of my mirror at my dressing table, I applied some eyeliner, mascara and some rouge to complete the look. I glanced over at the time once again to see that it was seven forty eight, and so I rang Ari to see if she was still coming. I spent a lot of time just saving up some money to buy myself this telephone. No answer. I figured that she would be on her way and that she was coming in a little late. I walked over to the fire escape stairs and opened the window. As soon as I did so a fresh summer breeze hit my face and sent shivers down my spine. I decided to bring a jacket with me, this will be a cold night. I grabbed a light jacket from my closet and put it over my shoulders. It should be enough to warm me up if I do get cold when I leave. I sat at that window once again to look at the city of california. A beautiful city not very crowded from where I live but we have our own people. The night was lit up by neon lights everywhere and the stray cat I have been feeding for a while now showed up. I petted his head and looked back up at the stars and said: "one day, I will reach the moon."

I grabbed my packet of cigarettes and put one between my lips as I looked down at all the people walking by. The cat stared at me and I felt judged. I always say that I would quit. But I never really did, I sometimes wish that L.A. the state that's mostly known for its lively atmosphere would die down a little. At least for one night, but there's nothing to be done. When I was done with this one, I flicked the butt down into the streets, watching it fall down from the third floor down to the sidewalk. I went back inside the bathroom to brush my teeth before regaining my seat when I was done.

As I was waiting looking down at the people passing by I finally spotted Ari's car so I quickly recollected myself and closed the window after letting in the little cat. I was thinking about adopting that little guy for some time now so I just let him spend the night over, besides, if he does break anything it won't have much value anyways. I rushed downstairs and left the building as fast as I could with these heels. I don't like it when I make people wait, I suppose that is in my nature now, always on time for everything. I always tried to be as punctual as possible with my arrival anywhere, that is just part of who I am. When I finally reached the car, Ari unlocked the door to let me in, she was adjusting her gloss as she was speaking to me. At first she didn't even bother to look at my face, she was too busy fixing up her makeup. She said enthusiastically: "Hey there girl friend! Are you ready to have the time of your life!" I inhaled sharply, it sounded as if she was drinking already, I knew I had to stay sober for the night because it seems like I will end up taking care of a drunken adult. I replied, trying to build up the tiniest bit of excitement I had left inside me with: "Couldn't be more ready, let's go!" That's when she finally turned her attention to me. I felt self conscious at that moment, I had promised her that I would stop smoking so much, hence why during our lunch break, I would never smoke. I honestly wished she didn't show up at all, because then I wouldn't have heard her screaming into my ear: "O.M.G. Jenny you dirty slut! Who are you looking all dolled up for huh?" I didn't need her to remind me that I was dressed in a slutty way, in fact I didn't even want to believe that I was dressed in an immodest manner. I just wanted to put this outfit on because it made me feel powerful. Why are we like this? This will be one of the longest nights of my life. I took a deep breath to remind myself that there will be no turning back from this now, and I replied with a cheerful tone to make it seem like I was unfazed by what she said acting as if she didn't just offend me in any way possible just so I would keep her trust; "can't a girl just dress up for herself?" She laughed and drove us to the bar downtown, at least that's what she said but it was more of a night club. She's not coming home tonight so it looks like I will need a ride home as well. I will stay sober for the night because I didn't want anyone to try anything with me while I was under the influence. I just needed this night to have fun, I wanted to forget about all my worries and even forget that I was born into a woman's body.