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Chapter XIX: She's fading away...

She looked between me and her husband for a few seconds before facing the other direction and walking away. I pushed Earl aside and rushed over her calling her name, panicking thinking of a way I could fix this. I knew I had to tell her the truth, the full truth one day. My only regret is that it never happened at my pace. "Eli! Wait, please allow me to explain!" I said while grabbing her wrist demanding her attention, she turned around to face me. There was something different in her eyes. She no longer looked at me the way she would have if she and I were walking normally down the hall. She looked at me the same way I would look at myself in the mirror. Her eyes filled with tears of frustration and probably hatred, I wouldn't blame her. I hated myself, well hated myself until she taught me that there is something lovable inside of me. But that quickly faded away when we both faced the truth, I deserve all the pain I felt piercing through my chest. She shouldn't have gotten close to me because looking at her now, she was just as hurt as I am. "Explain what, Jenny? Explain how I caught you and my husband having an affair? You know this wouldn't be a problem if it were any other woman... But you... Jenny, you aren't any other woman."

"Eli, I'm sorry-"

"Don't. Don't you dare say my name again. I trusted you... I trusted you well enough to tell you things I never thought I'd tell anyone and worst of all I..." she trailed off for a moment. "Never mind... I just can't believe you would do such a thing. It feels like..."

"Like what..?"

"Like you're just a stranger to me now."

"Eli, I'm still me..."

"No. Not in my eyes. I wish... I wish I never met you or told you all these things about me. But then again... I can't just wish for that."

"Eli, please..."

"Goodbye, Jenny."

And with just that, she walked away, leaving me stunned with a dagger stabbed through my heart unable to move. Was it officially over now? Is there nothing left for us anymore? She changed me, opened up my eyes and now she's leaving me without ever being with me in the first place. Hell I don't even remember when was the last time I smoked. She encouraged these bad habits of mine away. She made me happy after a long time of living in misery. Now i realised, while she was making me happy, I was hurting her. Seeing her in pain was enough for me to realise that maybe, just maybe, I do not deserve to be happy.

I walked back into my dressing room struggling to keep my balance as I walked slowly. Earl was still inside, he tried to touch me and I simply pushed him away, I couldn't handle him at that moment. I was too weak for anything. Worst of all, I was numb. I couldn't feel anything, and him being the pig that he was, he had no dignity. He sat me down on the couch and said. "Don't worry too much about her, she'll come around." and proceeded to kiss my neck. I tried to fight him back but he wouldn't budge, I pushed and kicked and at that moment, I saw my father's face instead of his. My body soon became paralysed with fear and I could no longer move. His touch was cold just like my father's. His kisses felt like spikes all over my body and I couldn't utter a single word. My eyes were open, I was fully conscious of what was happening, but it felt like I was being held under water. Unable to breathe or swim for I did not know which way to go in order to get back to the surface and even if I did, it would be impossible for me to swim that direction since it felt like I was in shackles.

Not sure how much time had passed since I laid there alone and fully undressed on my couch. Tears went down my face as I was watching the door, staying completely still. Hoping that maybe just maybe, Elinor would walk through and save me just how she saved me once before. She never came. 

Eventually, I heard a soft knock on the door, it's Adeline. She wanted to check up on me since I didn't join them for lunch that day and neither did Elinor. I told her to give me a moment and I'll be right with her. I quickly wiped the tears off my face and plastered on a fake smile. The same smile I put on for so many years, the one thing that kept me from the prying eye of the public to see just how much I am struggling deep inside. I quickly got dressed and let her inside. I couldn't just take a few days off work since we only had a few more months planned for filming so I hid my feelings away and buried them in the back of my head. "Jenny, are you alright?" Adeline asked with a worried tone, I still couldn't speak so I nodded my head in response and she asked me if I was sure to which I replied with. "I'm fine." She seemed to be taken aback by the tone of my voice which was rather stern but eventually she dropped it. "I must get to my other part time job now. I'll see you tomorrow." I said while walking away leaving her alone in my dressing room. I did not care about any of this anymore. At first, getting my way through Hollywood was my dream, but now... I'm not so sure anymore, one thing is certain though, I will make things work with Elinor. Even if it meant I would lose all of my hard work just to get here. None of it matters to me anymore.