3...2...1...ACTION!

chapter III: Shame.

The next morning I woke up in Earl's bed. I slid my bare body out of his sheets as gently as possible so I wouldn't wake him up and made my way to the bathroom where I looked at myself in the mirror only to find out that my makeup was all smeared up on my face and that I needed to clean up as fast as possible. I took a look at the time. It was still six am, my shift didn't start until nine, I had largely enough time for me to go back home without any interruptions to my daily schedule. So in order not to waste too much time, I just slid in the same clothes as I wore the night before, I didn't have time to think of an alternative outfit I could wear. When I left the bathroom, Earl was no longer in his bed. I realised how fucked up I am. He could have left to deal with something or maybe someone came over like a maid or his wife even, so he had to leave his bed. Either way I'm fucked. Any other woman wouldn't think much of this situation, it was just a one night stand, but to me, she could ruin my career as an actress long before it even started. Once my face goes out to the public she could easily recognise me and spread these rumours which will be most certainly true. Who will they believe if this situation actually comes to light, me: a young new face to Hollywood actress or the actual liable source. Just as I started over-thinking all the different scenarios, Earl sneaked up on me pushing me against the wall and kissing my lips hard. When he finally pulled away he said: "Penny for your thoughts, Jenny?" I smiled at him saying: "my thoughts cost a lot more than just a penny." He laughed, his laugh was so damn annoying, I just wanted to leave his place and never come back here again. He annoyed me to the point where I started to reconsider acting and working under him. I felt bad for his beautiful wife, how did she settle down for him? I tried to walk around him but he had a hold of my waist, preventing me from getting anywhere past him and he said: "Whoa whoa whoa, where do you think you're going, beautiful?" I replied after taking a deep breath: "I must go home now so I can get ready for work. Besides, you have a wife ''I declared while glancing at the ring on his finger. He nodded, forgetting that what we had between us was just a one night stand. It felt as if he had confused me for his partner. If I didn't know any better I would have said that he had fallen in love at first sight and that he actually meant what he said last night at the club.

He offered me a ride home to which I agreed because I needed it, however, I didn't tell him my exact location. I told the driver to drop me off a few yards away from my building. That way it would be difficult for him to know the exact location and let alone the exact building I live in. I made my way home completely exhausted and I needed to check my mail because I knew that in two or three days time, there will be auditions for the movie "another love" all I needed were the details of when and where the auditions will take place. I also made sure to give them my number in case they couldn't reach my mail. Fortunately enough, they sent me a letter stating all the information that is needed for this audition. I've been waiting for this moment for a while now. I needed to fill up some of the basic information needed for the role and hand the paper over during the audition. I took my time filling it out when I got up into my apartment. Afterwards I realised that I converted all my attention over this audition and forgot how to behave like a normal human being. I made my way over to my bedroom so I could pick out an outfit for the day and saw the little black cat that I let in the night before sleeping on my bed peacefully. I tried my best not to disturb it so I just grabbed a fresh outfit and got into the shower. It was seven thirty already, I was going to be late today when I get to work but at least I know that my boss is understanding. I needed this shower to feel as if there was still some hope left in me to get another clean record. I needed to cry and that's just what I did. I felt ashamed of myself, of what I had done and now that I finally grounded myself I know for a fact, this will not be the last time I'll ever be doing this. I needed this day off, I couldn't face society nor myself for that matter. I lost myself in my thoughts and sometimes I just wished my brain would shut the fuck up for a moment. But it was loud, way louder than it should be, repeating the same word over and over again making me feel worse and worse about myself and about how corrupt this society really is. I was starting to hate myself and the body I was born in. Religious people would insist on saying things like: "Jesus died for our sins", well then, explain my pure existence then. My mother and father were never in love, or they probably once were but that was before my time. All the memories I have of them were bad ones, my dad never believed in me and my mom was way too ambitious for my own sake.she was the one who taught me how to seduce men. She said that power is money, and with power I'll be happy. Therefore I need a man in my life if I want to be considered as a human. Father was a drunk, as for mother, well she simply wanted me to become everything she couldn't. I suppose that justifies the way I turned out today. Even my dad would be ashamed of me knowing damn well he couldn't care less what happens to me. After all, I was the one who sent him away after what he had done. He definitely hates me now. Mother, if she ever sees me in this state, not sure if she would be proud of the fact that I spent years putting up an act in this stage we call life or if she would disown me on the spot for being a whore. But then again, I blame her for turning me into this.