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Chapter XXXIV: Goodbye, my sweetheart.

Elinor's POV: 

I woke up to the sound of the doorbell ringing. I realised that I had overslept and Amaka wasn't home. She was probably getting groceries for dinner because it seemed it was almost noon. I pushed myself out of bed and fought a massive headache. How many drinks did I have exactly? I swung my legs off the bed not caring about how messy I looked and stumbled over to the door. Whomever was behind it must be in a hurry since they were pressing that damn button like a madman. I swing the door open to reveal a very good looking but also very anxious Jennifer. My eyes widened when I saw the concern in her face that quickly died away when she saw me. Her bright eyes seemed to soften and the cutest blush invaded her face when she noticed me staring. She looked away for a moment almost intimidated. I looked down at her hand and saw that she was holding a bag of clothing from Vivienne Westwood. It was a large bag so I assumed she passed by to give it to me. "Uh, hi." She said her voice was shaking a little and I replied with a smile. "Hi."

"I got you the gown. I passed by earlier and Amaka said you were asleep, I wanted to hand you the gown myself so I told her I would pass by again tomorrow. As you can tell I got impatient and came back. I... I was worried since you didn't get the door right away. Sorry I woke you up."

"No, no, it's fine. Please, come in." I said while ushering her inside my place. She carefully walked in as she took a look around and smiled. However this smile didn't reach her eyes. It hasn't since I first saw her. The spark in her eyes had died down. She gave me the bag and asked me to try it on. I led her up into my bedroom as I stepped inside the bathroom connected to it. The dress was absolutely gorgeous, it reminded me of the one I gave her during the premier. It fit me perfectly, somehow, she still memorised my size which hadn't changed much during these years. When I stepped out she didn't seem to notice my presence as she was admiring one of my favourite novels. "Jane Eyre." I spoke, pulling her attention towards me. "Charlotte Bronte. One of my favourites." She looked speechless as she saw me in that gown, her pupils dilating as her eyes wandered from my neck down to my chest lingering there for a moment before taking in the rest of my body. I had to resist the urge to grab her waist and pull her close and make her forget about the wedding arrangements. I wanted to bring back that smile I came here to see, I wanted to see that same spark that I missed during all these years. "Well, what do you think?" I broke the silence and she shook her head, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip. The same plump lips I've been longing to taste again. "You... you look amazing, perfect."

"I'm glad you think so." I noticed her hand was still locked on the novel, I walked over to her and said. "Keep it. It's yours if you want."

"Oh, no I could... I cannot—"

"Consider it a very bad wedding gift." I said and left out a huffed laughter. "I'll make sure to return it once I'm done." I wrapped my hands around her and looked into those eyes, they aren't as bright as they used to be. "Don't. I want you to have it. I can buy another copy, plus I want you to see what I annotated in this one." She smiled again and nodded. "I'll take good care of it."

"I don't have a doubt in my mind."

"Oh and Elinor, one more thing." She reached into the bag and pulled out a cassette tape, as I was about to turn and walk back into the bathroom to change. "Promise me... promise you would listen to it after the wedding. It doesn't matter when, just... do it after the wedding."

"...alright."

"Promise me Elinor." she pleaded.

"I promise you Jenny." I said reassuringly.

She nodded and collected her things. I wanted to stop her, kiss her, hold her in my arms but I couldn't. I let her leave and she kissed my cheeks goodbye, not even lingering for a single second, but it was enough for me to miss her presence immediately after she went out that door.

The next days went by quickly between helping Jenny with the arrangements and resisting the urge to make-out with her. And before I knew it, it was the wedding day. I got myself dolled up and helped Amaka feel more confident since I had decided to invite her as my plus one. The ceremony was really small as Jenny had said, there were only familiar faces besides Sebastian's family. His father, brother and what I assume would be his aunt and her own little family. I went inside the dressing room to help Jenny out with her dress. When she saw me walk in she smiled at me, that same empty smile. "Elinor! Could you please help me?" and she gestured at the zipper of her dress. I slowly pulled it up, gulping as I imagined myself with her during our wedding night, but I was pulling the zipper the opposite way. I allowed my fingers to linger on her back for a few seconds. "Sebastian's a lucky man. You're... wow." she laughed, and my god have I missed the sound of her laughter. "I feel like I am the one who got lucky."

"No, only he is the lucky one." she spun around to face me. Our lips only inches apart and I took a step back. "I erm, I will join the others now if you are done."

"Yes, of course." I slowly walked away allowing my eyes to linger on her dress and I swallowed it all in. No words could describe how perfect she was. I waited for her in place, as music started to play. The groom saw me and greeted me with a warm smile but I couldn't return it. It felt as if he was stealing her from me. Soon she was walking down the aisle. Her arm entwined with Sebastian's father as he led her over to us. The priest got ready to tell his usual speech and I couldn't get my eyes off her. He held her hand and I felt a sharp pang of jealousy strike through my body. They looked into each other's eyes as they recited their vows. I couldn't bring myself to listen to any word either of them was saying. All I could hear was the voice in my head saying, "that should be me" over and over again until they kissed and I had to fight back the tears. The crowd was filled with smiles, and applause as time seemed to slow down.

I soon found myself at the bar getting myself the third drink for the night, downing it all in one gulp feeling it burning my throat as I swallowed hard. I needed some fresh air so I stepped out for a while, told Amaka if I left I was probably home, gathering my things so I can leave the states. Gave her enough money to get herself a cab and whatever else she might need. I felt her following after me so I turned around and just as I thought Jenny was there. "We have to stop meeting like this." I said my voice was full of venom. She was taken aback by the harshness and apologised. I hate it whenever she apologises. I took both her hands in mine and said. "I love you Jenny. I hope you know what you are doing and that you are happy. But I need to be happy too."

"Elinor—"

"I will find that happiness someday I know it, but I can't say the same about you." I turned to leave and she stopped me.

"Where are you going? The party has barely even started?"

"I asked you to invite me during the happiest days of your life. Not to some bullshit like this. I know you Jenny, I can see through you. He doesn't."

"You're right I don't love him, but I don't have a choice. You'll understand when you play the tape."

"You know... I would kiss you goodbye right now, if your husband wasn't a few feet away from us. So for now, goodbye, my sweetheart." and I left. I didn't even look back and she never tried to stop me.

I got home, extremely frustrated and I knew it was the alcohol talking but I didn't feel like sobering up. I grabbed a bottle of bourbon and poured myself a glass as I climbed up into my room. I stared at the cassette and told myself fuck it and played it. Took it a few seconds to start and when it did, her voice shone through. It was clear she had been crying. Her voice was all shaky and that hit another nerve.

"Elinor, I have no idea when you will hear this but you need to know... I never stopped loving you and I never will." my spine was as rigid as concrete. "When you asked me to go with you to China, I wanted to say yes but... but Earl... he threatened to hurt you and I... I couldn't risk it. He had photographs of us kissing at that train station back in New York. If these were to go public it would mean hell for you. I didn't want that. I wanted to—" I couldn't bring myself to listen to the rest. My blood was boiling with rage. So that's what all of this is about. She lied to me, she made me feel as if I was the problem. We could have worked something out. Why did she care about my reputation so much? Couldn't she see that none of it mattered as long as she was with me? I hated how much I loved her at that moment. I hated myself for not noticing and now it's all too late. Jenny, what have you done to yourself?

Jennifer Louise Rivers, I hate you for making me feel all of this and I hate you more because I know I cannot take you back. I hate that I cannot have you and that I lost you because of your love for me.