3...2...1...ACTION!

Chapter XXXII: I thought she was different

                                                                                 ELINOR'S POV: 

I ran as fast as my feet could run to catch up to her but it was no use. It all felt like a deja vu, deja su, deja vecu. I know this feeling all too well. I knew I was rushing things with her and I scared her away. This all felt like my past relationship which of course I hadn't had the opportunity to bring it up to Jenny. I wanted to but I also felt the need to push all thoughts of Madison aside. I only found out Earl was involved with her when I had decided to go back home slightly earlier than usual. I saw him and her in our bed. In his bed. She was enjoying herself a little too much around him and I even heard her saying some shit like I could never work my way with her as well. That's when he and I decided to open our marriage. Keep our affairs to one another and we wouldn't have to speak of them to anyone. I noticed he had taken a woman to bed one night, I even saw her blonde hair that trailed behind her as she hurriedly walked out the door. I shrugged it off as a simple one night stand who accidentally stayed the night. I saw Jenny for what I thought was the first time during her audition and my god did she look gorgeous. I played my cards close to my chest that day and kept a straight face even though I noticed the most adorable blush creep up on her face. And then she told me about Earl and I so desperately wanted her to be in my life that I knew even if she didn't have an explanation for me I would still have kissed her that night. I would have worshipped her body, made her forget about all her past, helped her focus on me and only me even if it were for one night only. I was ready for my heart to get shattered ever since the day I came out to her, I was ready for her to steal my heart and keep it within her grasp for what remained of my life. The only person whom I could allow to shatter me is her. I never felt this vulnerable towards anyone, not even Madison whom I consider to be my first everything. She was the only woman I had ever slept with since Jenny and now... I ruined things. She may no longer want to speak with me. I will not pursue her for much longer, I will grant her a choice, either she accompanies me to China as lovers, or, she can stay. But I would like her to do one favour for me. I want her to invite me on the happiest days of her life, in hopes that during our very last encounter, I wouldn't see her in tears. That way when I die... I would replay that memory of her sparkly green eyes, and that big smile of hers that could light up the darkest corners of the earth and I would happily pass, knowing that she would be happier without me.

I imagined things with her that I never thought of when I thought I was in love with Madison. I imagined myself marrying her, seeing her in a white dress and kissing her in front of millions of people. She wanted to be someone, a person people could look at in awe but most importantly to see who she was. I just wish I could hold her and whisper I see you Jennifer Louise Rivers, I hear you. I felt suffocated at the party so I asked a cab to take me back home. My own place, not the one I once shared with Earl. I allowed Amaka to stay in that place for as long as she needed. When I got there she looked at me with pity in her eyes and it wasn't until I brought my hand up to touch my face that I noticed it was damp. I was crying without even noticing. I told her that I'll be fine and went upstairs to take a shower. First my mother's illness and now this. Scaring Jenny away. I stood there soaking all the water, not quite sure how long but long enough for Amaka to knock on the bathroom door. I turned off the tap and put on a robe. Walked past the woman refusing to make eye contact and into my bedroom. I locked myself in and layed in my bed. Somehow I could still smell her, taste her, feel her skin on mine. I couldn't wash her away. It was impossible. She was everywhere, she owns more than my heart, she owns my soul, body and mind as well. I hope you feel satisfied, Jenny. You successfully captured me and I couldn't be happier that it's you who's done it.

I spent the next few days in my bedroom, not reading, barely eating anything, hardly moving and simply observing the place. My eyes wandered from my bookshelves, staring at the same books I've read over and over again, never getting tired of them, and I imagined what would have happened if she was with me now. I was ready to share this collection with her, lend her these novels to read so she can tell me how she felt about them. Then out the window, this estate was quiet, away from the city but just like everything in L.A. it never sleeps. Then to the ceiling where I imagined having her in my arms. I already miss her. I decided to get up eventually and write her a letter. I'll be extremely vague with it but I'll offer her that choice. Hopefully, I'll either see her at the airport by my side, or, I'll go there on my own to face my mother one last time. I hope that I made her proud, I pursued her dream after all, one that she couldn't achieve and that she dreamt of. The dream of becoming the new face of Hollywood. Father wasn't around much, always too busy working and going on business trips to even notice his presence at all. I hardly even know what he looks like now. I guess I'll find out soon enough. 

As I brought a pen and a piece of paper I couldn't stop the tears from soaking the paper. I just wanted to aid her, let her into the world I would go to so I could escape the hardships of life. Why did you leave me Jenny? What have I done to scare you away? I only wished to grant you a life free of harm, but now I realise that it could have been me who harmed you. I carefully slid the extra plane ticket along with the letter inside the envelope and asked Amaka to send it. I knew if I called her she wouldn't pick up, and I knew her better to know that she wouldn't be staying in her own place and that she would be hiding somewhere. One thing I learned from those who hide, is that they don't want to be found. I hope that she does find me though. I would be hiding in plain sight, I won't hide from her, never had the intention to. I just hope that she sees me just how I saw her.