What a Life This Is - A Collection of Short Stories

Hello, Kojiro - Part 2

About an hour later, Kojiro heard a quick knock on the bedroom door, and he mumbled, "Come in," miserably.

He heard the door open, and then footsteps, but they didn't come all the way to the bed. They came through the door and stopped, the owner of said footsteps standing across the room from where he was sitting.

"Just making sure you didn't pass out in here," Karou said shortly, his arms folded, and Kojiro was pretty sure he heard him mumble, "But honestly, I don't think I'd mind if you did."

Kojiro didn't respond, and a few seconds went by before Karou sighed, turning to head for the door-

"Karou wait."

He stopped, and Kojiro took a few shaky breaths, tightening his grip on his phone before continuing, "I-I did this thing.. where I recorded myself thinking out loud.."

Karou said nothing.

"C-Could you please.. just listen to it with me? I just-" Kojiro's voice broke, "I-I don't think I can do it by myself."

There was silence, and Kojiro was afraid Karou had left, but then he heard footsteps and felt someone climb onto the bed beside him, and he let out a breath.

"Thank you," he whispered, then he turned on his phone, opened the voice memos app, and hit play.

...

"Hey, Kojiro.. It's Kojiro.. this is so stupid.."

Kojiro heard his voice, and he immediately cringed.

People say that hearing your voice played back to you is usually an awful experience.

People are right.

The voice that he heard through the speakers of his phone wasn't his.

"I don't know what I'm doing.. I guess I'm supposed to talk about my feelings? But I- I don't really know... ho-how to describe them.."

It was a sad voice, the voice of a man who had given up all hope and had just decided to let the universe do as it pleased with him..

"It just feels like- there's this weight.. on my chest.. I don't know what it is.. and it makes it really hard to breath.. and I want to cry, but I can't cry.. because if I cry then it would be letting myself.. feel everything I've been trying not to feel for years.."

That voice in the recording, it was the voice of someone who was broken into a million pieces.

"It was going really well too, the not feeling? It was almost like- almost like I was.. normal.. yeah, like I really didn't have all these problems, like I'm not just as big of a mess as I feel? 'Cause I know I'm a mess.. I'm a huge mess, with all these stupid mental issues that I can't control."

Kojiro put his head in his hands, and he felt Karou rest a hand on his back as the recording continued.

"I-I'm just.. so tired.. all the time, but I can't act like I'm tired because- because I have three kids who need their dad, and if I let myself be tired I- I don't even know.. I'm exhausted.. maybe too exhausted to be the dad they need..."

"Don't get me wrong.. I know how lucky I am.. I have a place to live, and food, and clothes.. and I have the kids, and Karou.. and I know that if I told anyone else what I'm saying right now, they would just tell me to be thankful for what I have, and I am but-.. But what's wrong with me that I can't seem to appreciate that? Why can't I feel it?"

"..Why can't I just find a way to- to move on from all this.."

Kojiro inhaled sharply, bracing himself for the last sentence, the one thing that he contemplated letting Karou hear..

"What's the point of living.. if you can't feel anything?"

There was a clicking sound, signaling the video's end, and Kojiro let out a shaky breath that he didn't even know he was holding.

There was silence, the two men taking in all they just heard, and then Kojiro spoke, his voice weak.

"Y-You were right," He said shakily, trying not to look at Karou, "You we're right.. That man- That man is not okay.."

Karou was silent, and Kojiro took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair, continuing, "And look- I know what that last part sounds like, but I-I promise I wouldn't do anything like that.."

"I know," Karou said softly, rubbing a hand up and down Kojiro's back, "But.. I think you know, that healthy minds don't go to that place.."

Kojiro nodded miserably, and Karou chewed on his lip before he spoke again, "You need to go back on your meds, Ko.."

"I know," Kojiro sighed, "I-I lost them.."

"Did you?" Karou asked, and Kojiro looked at him, as Karou reached into his pocket and pulled out the smallwhite and blue bottle, and Kojiro exhaled in shock.

"How did you-? Where did you-?"

"They were in the pantry."

Kojiro blinked, "Oh, I-I must've left them in there by accident.."

"I guess," Karou shrugged, dropping the bottle on the bed in front of them, "Also, I'm sorry.. for overwhelming you earlier, I-"

"No. Don't apologize, you were just worried about me," Kojiro interrupted him, "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"I-It's my fault," Karou said, and Kojiro scoffed.

"No, it's mine-"

"It's my fault, Gorilla." Karou replied, narrowing his eyes, and Kojiro pursed his lips as him.

"It's MY fault-"

"NO, it's MINE, I was the one who-"

"I started it, so it's really my fault-"

"Nuh-UH!"

The two men glared at each other, and then Kojiro made a small, "pfft-" noise and they both collapsed into giggles.

Once they both recovered, Karou wrapped a hand around Kojiro's neck and rested their foreheads together, "So," he said softly, "we'll be okay? You'll be okay?"

Kojiro nodded, taking Karou's other hand in his own and bringing it up to his lips, after kissing it softly, the two men smiled lightly at each other.

"Yeah, Karou," Kojiro responded, "I'll be okay."