until the end || wolfstar || marauders

chapter fifteen

TW - Mentions of Self-harm

Sirius woke up next morning, still snuggled in Remus' arms. Remus was still asleep, so Sirius didn't move for a while, savouring the moment. It was early, but the light was pouring into their dorm, so they'd have to get up soon.

After ten minutes of laying in Remus' arms, Sirius carefully wriggled away, trying not to wake Remus, and went into the bathroom. He immediately realised this was a mistake, and left. The sight of the place he had sat and cut himself only last night made him feel sick. 

He didn't really know what to do, so he grabbed his school uniform from the floor where it had been abandoned the night before, and put it on. He needed to brush his teeth and his hair looked a state, but he couldn't go into the bathroom. He grabbed Remus' hairbrush off of his bedside table, brushed his hair through and tied it into a knot on top of his head. It didn't look it's usual standard of excellent, but he would have to make do. 

Sirius checked his watch. Six twenty-eight AM. Breakfast would be in the hall for those who were already awake, so he took a quill and parchment, scribbled a note saying that he had gone down to breakfast, becuase he knew Remus and James would worry after last night, and pushed open the door.

The castle was quiet. It was early, he didn't know what he had expected, but he never imagined Hogwarts could be quiet. It always seemed so cheerful and noisy, busy with older students racing through the corridors to classes, lost first years who had been caught on the wrong staircase, the marauders, discussing their next prank in hushed whispers as a teacher passed, Peeves writing rude messages on the walls with chalk, and Filch angrily yelling at the two seventh years snogging in the corner of the corridor. Sirius was used to that Hogwarts. Not this one. This one was sombre and elegant, the beauty of the ancient stone walls that no one has enough time to recognise, the forest and mountains out the window. It was peaceful.

Before long, Sirius had reached the great hall, where the silence ended. It was not loud, there was only the mutters of 'morning', as the early risers passed other students to have breakfast, yet the difference in volume made it feel deafening.

There were only 2 people at the Gryffindor table: A tired looking seventh year, who was hunched over a book and parchment, a quill in hand, and a piece of toast hanging from their mouth, and Lily Evans, looking exhausted and sipping a mug of coffee, but she smiled as Sirius walked towards her at sat down.

"You're up early," She remarked as Sirius poured a mug of coffee for himself.

"Yeah," He agreed.

"Do you want to tell me why?"

"Um, dunno. Just woke up early I s'pose," Sirius yawned, bringing the mug to his lips and taking a long drink. "What about you? Why're you awake early?"

"I always wake up early. You don't want to be in the girls dorm in the mornings, it's utter chaos," She replied.

"Oh yeah? It's only Mary, Dorcas and Marls."

Lily looked at him and then said, in a high pitched hysterical sounding voice, "It's always 'Who's had my lipstick, I can't find it anywhere!' or 'Lils have you seen my dry shampoo?' or 'Does anyone know which shirt is mine? They all look the same!' It's awful and I'm not doing it every morning."

"Oh wow. Sounds awful. We just share each others stuff," Sirius said, bemused.

"Don't tell them I said that though, they'll kill me," Lily said, grinning.

Sirius laughed and promised he wouldn't say a word. They both sat there until the rest of the school started to trickle in to breakfast, one by one. First to show up (out of people they cared about) was Marlene and Dorcas ("Mary is refusing to come down, apparently got dumped by that Ravenclaw bloke and is in hysterics. I swore I'd beat his arse." Marlene informed them. Lily left to extract Mary), followed by Peter ("Remus was still in bed when I left. James said something about fireworks but I don't know."). Then Lily returned with a distressed looking Mary (Which one was it, my offer still stands?" "That one there," Mary had answered, pointing at a hunky seventh year at the Ravenclaw table.), lastly James, who was nearly dragging Remus ("He completely refused until he realised Pads was here, for gods sake.").

Remus sleepily plonked down next to Sirius at the breakfast table and leaned his head onto Sirius' shoulder, closing his eyes. Sirius nudged him.

"Moons, come on, you need to eat something, Moon is tonight, you need to eat." He said gently, putting his arm round Remus and squeezing him.

Remus yawned and sat up right again.

"I'm not hungry."

"And I don't care. Eat." James said as he buttered some toast for Remus and put it on his plate. Remus ate it reluctantly.

"You alright Sirius? You don't usually wake up this early." James said, as he put marmalade on his own piece of toast.

Sirius wasn't stupid. He could tell there was something else hidden in this question. Last night.

"Yeah, fine, just woke up I s'pose. Couldn't go back to sleep once it was light." Sirius said, stiffly, hoping James wouldn't talk about that here, or at all, actually.

James eyed him warily, but decided to press the matter later: they were at breakfast after all, and it wasn't fair to tell everyone Sirius' secret. Even Peter didn't know.

They finished breakfast and went back up the stone steps to the fourth floor, for defence against the dark arts. Sirius sat next to Remus, who was struggling to keep his eyes open. 

After the fourth time he had dropped off on Sirius' shoulder and Sirius had nudged him awake again, Sirius whispered, "Moons, if you're that tired, go back to bed and sleep. We'll take extra good notes and copy them up for you, it won't be a problem."

Remus yawned again. "No, I'm fine. Just a bit sleepy. I won't learn if I'm not actually in the lesson. I need to have good grades."

"Re your grades are nearly perfect in every subject. You're not falling behind on anything."

Remus rubbed his eyes in an effort to stop them closing. "Nearly isn't good enough. I'm not going to be able to get a job unless it's perfect."

Sirius knew what he was getting at. Remus would struggle to find a job anyway, what with the war going on, unless he wanted to be an auror, and somehow, he couldn't see Remus as an auror. But even if there wasn't the war, he was a werewolf, and the prejudice behind that was so awful that many innocent werewolves were killed every day because of it, let alone offered a job.

Sirius' heart ached for him.

"Re, I'm sorry. But please go and get some sleep. You can't learn anything like this anyway, go on, say you don't feel well and need the hospital wing."

"Fine." Remus put his hand up.

"Yes Mr Lupin," the elderly professor said, seeing Remus.

"Sir, I feel truly awful, could I be excused to the hospital wing please?" Remus asked, confidently, no trace of the sleepy wreck he had been a minute ago.

"Yes... yes, go on then. Mr Black you'd better go with him."

Sirius winced at being called 'Mr Black', but gathered up his and Remus' things quickly, and left, arm around Remus' shoulder, supporting him. Sirius guessed he was about to collapse. 

(1257 words)

Author's note:

So it's been a while. Incase you didn't see my tiktok, I'm struggling with my mental health right now and just don't have the motivation to do things anymore, but the chapter is done now. I feel like this is getting repetitive, and I don't have many ideas, so I'm thinking of doing a time skip by a few months to mix it up a bit. I also want to write a trans!Remus fic so I might do both at the same time, but I'll let you know when it comes out as these things take a while to start out.