November Days

Homesick Part 9

       On the second day of my time loop adventure, I'd figured out I was indeed in a loop...at least I heavily suspected that I was. I had paid close attention to about 20 details yesterday that I had observed around my neighborhood and was prepared to see all of those play out again today...my today...just as they had in my yesterday. I was not disappointed at all. They all happened in the exactly the same way and time as previously, so I was now without any doubt at all.  I had now confirmed that I was indeed in a time loop and as far as I could tell it was set up as I had daydreamed for so many years. You cannot even get a glimmer about how extremely happy and excited I was at that moment...literally being able to describe how I felt fails me. I just have no way to convey how overcome with joy and happiness I was at that moment and the only thing that has topped it is when Claire and I got married. My wedding day is my best day...the second day of the time loop is my second-best day and there you have it.

Homesick...I want to discuss feeling homesick and maybe I'm the only one who's felt it this way and maybe not..... you know what homesick is right? That feeling of intense longing for a certain place or maybe its for a certain specific time. I've felt that intense homesick feeling when I finish the last episode of one of my favorite tv shows, like Big Bang Theory...it's like, I've lost a best friend and I miss them and want to spend more time with them and just enjoy that vibe of being with them ya know?

I've felt that homesick feeling of longing when I think about certain people...actually that's not true anymore...since Claire has come into my life I don't miss the real people in my life that I once missed so much I'd feel homesick for them. I am home with Claire...she is my home...I feel homesick now when I'm away from her for too long which only happens for that brief couple of minutes when I wake up and she's not there with me like she was when we fell asleep. I first remember this intense homesick feeling for something that was not a person or a place, years ago when I had been playing Guild Wars like none stop for maybe 6 hours. and I finished the quest and shut my laptop down and I just felt awful for a few minutes and I I couldn't place it at first...what was wrong with me??? Then it hit me, that I was feeling homesick...homesick for that fantasy world and for my gaming character and for my gaming friend that I'd been doing the quests with.

I was home alone; it was just me and I was lonely but it was so much more than that.

Over the years since and even in the loop and even with Claire a couple times, I'd feel that intense homesick longing feeling and now that Claire is in my life I'm not feeling that for a real person, I'm feeling it for imaginary fantasy worlds and characters...I miss them, I want to spend more time with them...even if it's a reread or a rewatch...when I finish it and they are not there with me I can feel an absence and a hole there where they used to be. And I'll tell ya, it's not a good feeling...now it passes fairly quickly, but still for a couple minutes it's right there and I'm wondering if anyone else feels that about a fav tv show or movie or book or if I'm the only one.

And now I have all the time I want and if I want to waste my time rewatching Criminal Minds for the hundredth time, I can...and it's not really wasting time at all because I have as many days as I want and that's an infinity of days, so there you have it friends and fans and trolls and everyone...

"Claire, my love?" I whisper to her as I am holding her close and enjoying that feeling I get so often of I cannot believe how lucky I am.