I am forcing myself to cry and tears are hardly rolling, but that would help me feel less hurt. To wash and make all this pain vanish from my heart.
My body is tired of trying to correct my thesis and I am trying to do a nice work, I cannot say that I am giving myself to it because my mind is so damn fucked up that I have no motivation to do it perfectly. I am reading a lot of articles, and selecting references that could confirm my way of thinking. I feel so tired, I have to drink coffee to keep pushing. I know my limit and I am over it. But I am doing everything that I can to ensure that I will have a career. This is not the future that I dreamed of. I have to search for ways to find a way to support myself. People do not get it... They want to make sure that I will have a great grade on my thesis, they want me to do each thing on its time, but what they don't know is my reality. They have no clue why I am urging to find a job quickly or to go back to China. I know that I am pushing myself too much and my condition will only aggravate my mental health conditions. But what can I do? I know that I will become even more ill if I end up here, graduating in a country where they try to change the education field but do not change the employment field. One is linked to another.
I have always dreamed of having my own space, but to be honest living in a toxic family is not helping me ... One of the reasons why I am desperate to move abroad is to get rid of all the bad memories that I have been collecting these 2 years, which seemed to age. Memories that I thought and tried to kill myself, moments of anxiety that I could not stop walking in circles in the kitchen biting my lips with fierce, so angry with myself for having the brilliant idea of coming back home.
I had a purpose: going to China, study, finding a job, or doing a master's degree. This fucking covid ruined my plans, fucked with my mental health and took my passion for living. I am hoping for the day that I would conquer everything that I wished for. I used to have ambition, used to have motivation for studying, so many dreams... Now I only have nightmares and regrets.
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Far from being ok
RandomFeelings that cannot be held, nor kept for me. Real feelings from someone who has anxiety and is trying to relieve the emotions through art. Words full of profound meaning to spread out and reach those who might be having hard times too and to tho...
