Pain, my dearest new company. You suddenly became part of my world, I do not remember myself before you. My heart quickly welcomed you and crying for some reason or even none is one of your dearest gifts. Maybe...I should consider myself lucky to be embraced by you. Unfortunately, I cannot walk away and just get rid of you, despite being living in a toxic relationship with such a heavy pain deeper in my heart. The more I cry, the more my head hurts. I have to cry it not louder, afraid of letting someone hear me. I don't really wanna bother anyone with my personal issues. After all, everyone is just busy taking care of their lives, trying to survive in the real savannah. Well, I am trynna do the same too. Changed myself a lot, used to chase after my dearest dreams, full of wishes and ready to conquer all of them. And what now ? Facing so many failures, after giving so much... And for what? For having anxiety, feeling alone surrounded by so many people? Full of friends, making others laugh, faking a smile, or just pretending to be ok, only to refuse to tell the truth. I hate lies but became good at lying, such a hypocrite!. Feeling incomplete, desiring to see once more two important lives who truly carried about me. Maybe, if I get to heaven, I will be able to see them. Tho, does Heaven really exists? Or it is just a perspective, a belief created by Christians to make people redeem for their sins and behave properly. Why can't we live like we wants freely, doing mistakes, correcting them, why is that a model to live, like I'd we were programmed for this. Can't even recognize me, can't even defeat the voice inside my head who constantly gives me bad ideas, such as suicide which gives me hope to put an end to this terrible pain. How did I end up like this? A lost and weak soul, trying to reach something without knowing in which direction it will lead. I went through a lot that my survivor power might vanish. I have no strength to keep fighting, yet claiming myself to be worthy of Freya's power, but too coward to admit that I failed.
All is dark and I feel it too cozy, too content to be in a dark room, alone, with headphones and sad songs. Pretending to be ok is a hard task, indeed. And I should be proud of myself, been doing a great job, can even foolish myself with all these lies that I have been spreading out about my mental health. I got real issues, I am fucked up! That's the truth that I have been hiding from those who believe that I am still a joyful girl.
Will it be better days? What will become of me? Will I still be alive to write the outcome?
YOU ARE READING
Far from being ok
RandomFeelings that cannot be held, nor kept for me. Real feelings from someone who has anxiety and is trying to relieve the emotions through art. Words full of profound meaning to spread out and reach those who might be having hard times too and to tho...
