Do you know what's like to feel so empty, unhappy, unearthed, and feeling that even if you try to see things from a better perspective, feels like you are just being blinded?!. I feel not home in my own home, confused, and sometimes I cannot describe how I feel. My feelings are mixed, sometimes I do not recognize them, and do not know how I feel. It's so frustrating to feel completely alone, to be the only one who can understand yourself, to show this appearance of someone who is completely fine, but on your inner side, you know that you are not! God! My heart hurts so much now. Like if I have a wound and I am trying to scratch it or put my finger inside it. When I do cry, I feel like my heart is heavy and painful, so I keep crying to relieve all the pain. This is what I do mostly, crying. I do not do it loudly, even though I want to shout it out, to free me from this pain that I have been carrying for a couple of years. I thought I was finally ok. For months, I did not feel sad for no reason, did not have suicidal thoughts, did not feel that I was a burden to people around me, and did not feel like I am trying to live a life that I am not ok with, just because I am trying to occupy my mind for not feeling down. Life is about you being happy, that is my aspiration in life and I completely failed on that too. I strongly say, coming back to my hometown was the worst decision that I ever made, my best regret, and I am paying so badly for it. I should have felt blessed to have my family so close to me, but what's the matter to have your loved ones close to you when you don't feel loved by yourself? My self-esteem is playing a hella trick on me, I changed a lot in these 2 years. I lost my almost my confidence.... all I have now are fears and regrets. Disappearing would not be a bad idea, I can't live with this pain anymore. It's frustrating when you try to feel better, to do lotta shit to help yourself, but a little tiny thing takes you down so easily and quickly, and everything that you went through just repeat over and over again. I am sick of this looping, sick of feeling anxious and believe that I can't do anything new, sick of feeling my heart racing as if it was inside my head bipping like a bomb. Sick of all of this!. I wish I never had to come back to my country. Maybe all this wouldn't have been happening.
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Far from being ok
RandomFeelings that cannot be held, nor kept for me. Real feelings from someone who has anxiety and is trying to relieve the emotions through art. Words full of profound meaning to spread out and reach those who might be having hard times too and to tho...
