Why am I suffering a lot? It's been years, but to me seems like I am still on looping, only reviving things. Warm tears rolling on my face, heavy and deep breath, my heart hurts a lot, the more I cry, the more it hurts. An imaginary voice inside myself showing me the wrong path to put an end to this suffering. I am biting my lips, trying not to freak but I am hurt, wounded. I am shaking when I am crying, I only want things to change in a better way, but seems like I am swimming in the wrong direction. Things are not meant to be like this. I am facing too many failures and I am the one to be blame, right? Life is about choosing, one wrong choice, and my whole destiny changed. Now I am in a big and messy room, but I am ok with it, my life is also like this, unorganized. I can't stop procrastinating to tide this room, me, a super organized girl agreed to sleep in a room with too many clothes at the bed, papers on the ground, shoes every where. I feel pleased to be here, even though I feel ashamed if someone see all this mess.
For god's sake, it hurts! It's like someone is pressing the button of my heart, the pain starts from there and spread to my whole body, connecting with every part. I have no idea what day is it, I am pushing myself to keep going, but in my mind, I know that I am out of fuel. Living a binary life, at the same day I will be feeling good, dancing, and laughing, then I will let my frustrations approach this joyful girl. I want to help myself, I am trying... But it is hard when all your dreams became a nightmare. I did not project my life like this, there was only a plan A. I have no bandages for all these heavy wounds. It is a lot to process, as if my dreams were left in the past. Adulthood screwed me, this fucking corona fucked with me. I have no job, and will not be able to have a formal graduation ceremony. I am feeling disappointed with myself and especially my grandma and my aunt who unfortunately are not here must feel the same. I miss them every single moment, I am feeling so lonely. Recently, I started hurting myself, scratching my arms with my tiny nails. It comforts me, a relief. Like if I am punishimg myself for this realistic life that I get myself in. I do not know how to deal with failures, in my whole life, I only pursue success and I had many reasons to feel proud of me, on this stage of life facing this big failure that I am not able to work or doing a master degree, kills me inside out. I just wanted to chase after my future and make my beloved ones proud of me. I believe that I was destined for great things.
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Far from being ok
RandomFeelings that cannot be held, nor kept for me. Real feelings from someone who has anxiety and is trying to relieve the emotions through art. Words full of profound meaning to spread out and reach those who might be having hard times too and to tho...
