Do I have friends? I don't think so, I guess I am becoming invisible or they just don't know how to approach and talk to me about my mental health. Should I blame them? I am in the middle, I get them, in this situation you don't know how to help someone, unless you also know how it feels. Sometimes, what to say seems complex and words are not enough. But, at least they could make present, saying at least something about knowing that I am facing bad times, I guess I expect more from people because I try to help everyone, to be there whenever they need me, but get less than that in my turn. Thank goodness I love writing, so I can share my suffering and reveal my true self to unknown people. I am an artist, am vulnerable, sensitive, dramatic but I ain't doing drama with my condition state. I guess I just need a warm hug, would feel better than only hugging my legs while crying.
These days are being hard for me, I am trying to be positive, but everything is the opposite as I wanted. I am super idealistic, sometimes I prefer to run away from reality, and I dream a lot. But now I end up in a room with one door and it is locked. I am trying to find the key to open it and keep going, my fantasy world waits for me. Life fucking sucks, I am refusing to face my problems, even though I am trying to get the solutions for them.
Crying became something that I do unconsciously. With music or not, I find myself crying, feeling a big dot on my throat, my chest and heart hurts, the pain is too much that even hurt my belly. Living like this is not healthy, I don't want to do anything, at the same time I must do something and not be constantly crying. I feel like a shit, I did not shower today and I am sweating like hell, even though the temperature is ok. I am freaking, anxious about receiving any good email from jobs or universities which will direct me to the next step. I am stucked here, and this feeling of not knowing what will become of me, makes me sick. My hands are shaking, can't stop biting my lips, tickling my fingers and making the sound of a riding horse, crying, scratching my arms and it hurts like a hell, with a systematic bad thoughts about suicide, this voice inside my head is lightening me to the wrong direction and I had to throw away the knife that I was using for spreading chocolate on my bread. I felt so tempted to cut myself with that knife, this idea makes me feel frightened too.
Me, Leticia at the age of 24, facing my biggest fear: having depression.
YOU ARE READING
Far from being ok
RandomFeelings that cannot be held, nor kept for me. Real feelings from someone who has anxiety and is trying to relieve the emotions through art. Words full of profound meaning to spread out and reach those who might be having hard times too and to tho...
