I am tired of writing about the same stuff. I should get up and tide this messy room. Tried but felt so tired and lost motivation. It gives me a screen view of my life, a complete mess that I cannot organize. I am tired of living like this. Trying to be ok, to do things that I like, and having a normal life. But what is having a normal life? What if I have a normal life, but still feel incomplete?.
I should try to socialize with people, but I am not in the mood. Wondering when I will be. Going out and having fun will be good, but will be short of happiness, plus the people that I can hang out with are the same for ages. I am not sure if they will be willing to ask me how I am feeling or just speaking that they know I am suffering. I know how this reunion will be: saying hi and talking about other random things. So, I prefer my own company, at least I cannot fake my feelings. It's not been easy for everyone, but at least I have empathy to try to make myself present and offer my shoulder or my ears if someone wants to cry or talk.
The only strength that I have is to cry, but actually, I don't need to force myself to do it, as I have been forcing myself to study and end my degree, my first degree. I should be proud, right? But why am I not? I blame myself for things that I know are not related to me, blame myself for being stuck in this fucking country that despite having independence, remains dependent on Portugal for a lot of things. Geez, most people from here make me sick, uncultured, and dumbs. I feel like I am not fitting here, I am not fitting in many places. Talking to so many people, mostly online, some understand me which is hard nowadays, people are only worried about their damn lives and don't realize that there is more outside their circle of life. Outside their bubble, there is someone who might need a hug, someone who just wants someone to say that they know that it's been hard times.
I was feeling good, these two days, I was finally feeling good, having a nice conversation with an amazing guy, but some shitty things insist to drag me down. I go hard on myself, I have always been, project my life to the future, not thinking about the present or living it. Now I am living the present because I cannot keep reaching my future, the path is not the same. Trying so many options but every time that I open my computer wishing for an email that will define what will become of me, and no good answers, I feel in the dirt, it drives me crazy. I don't know what to do, only sabotage myself, hurting myself, by scratching my shoulder, or crying. I did not see this coming, I would never think of myself like this. This ain't me, I must rescue myself before it's too late.
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Far from being ok
RandomFeelings that cannot be held, nor kept for me. Real feelings from someone who has anxiety and is trying to relieve the emotions through art. Words full of profound meaning to spread out and reach those who might be having hard times too and to tho...
