Far from being ok

Chapter 7

I do not live in the present. I think I have never gotten used to that. I only think about my past and get the motivation to move forward to the future. It's been 2 years since I came back to my country and since then, I have been facing the present in so many ways, would say that it's been the worst period of my 24 years. By sating this makes me dramatic? Maybe, but drama has been part of my life, and I am the showgirl. Well, not that I do not like fame, but I do not be chasing it too. I wanted to be so many things, but now I am kinda giving up to my dreams, changing my path, and directing myself to the few possibilities that I have. There is nothing wrong with that, but I cannot be content with how things ended up to be. I know, that people must think that I am ungrateful, a dreamer, and immature. But it's hard when you project yourself to be something and then the circumstances of life, do not allow you to make it true. I am pretty sure that I do not get used to living in the present because I have been always in a rush to leave it. It is what is, life was never easy for me. I could've not been still alive. From the day I was born, an early child of 7months who was cursed to have such a progenitor. Yes, you read it, she is not my mom, she does not know the meaning of it. As I was saying, I was born as a 7 months child and my progenitor ran away with me from the hospital days after giving birth to me. So, no wonder why she is still irresponsible and selfish. I could've died, I needed medical care. But it turned out that God always looked after and protected me. God is good, praise him! Since then, my life has not been easy, I have been through a lot, so many ups and downs but I am standing right here, not as strong as I intended, but trying to deal with this horrible feeling that is having anxiety. A person can only know how hard this shit is until they have the same feeling. It is hard when you realize that you need help, but you have no motivation to get yourself to therapy. Seems like staying on a bed and rolling your phone screen up, is the best for you. Just now, I am on the bus hearing a girl talking about her struggles and it hurts me because I know what is that feeling. She has anxiety too. Which made me stop writing for a while and talked to her, I gave her some tips about how to deal with it, like starting doing yoga or other exercises, got her mobile phone number, and promised that I will invite her out for eating something and talk about whatever she wants to share and I meant it. I did it not show my kindness to her to please myself,  but because she needs to be around with people that know how hard is to have anxiety, someone that knows how it feels to be all alone in this. It is important to have someone's help and having someone who has been through the same issues will make things much clear, someone who will not say: be positive, just relax, it is just a phase.
Things do not change in a blink of an eye, it takes time and effort to make them change. And seems pretty hard when you have no definition of living. When you have nothing to fight for, no hopes, nothing to be grateful for, you realize how fragile you are, then you just exist. Life will not amuse you and you don't know what else to do. Trying to make things better seems useless.