I am sick of feeling sick. Sick of looking fine and suddenly wanting to go to bed and pretend to sleep when I just go there to cry quietly, I have to press my lips on each other to not let my throat project my voice out, need to make a lotta effort not to let someone hear me and my tears... Geez, they are always so warm when they roll on my face and wet the pillow, causing me a good sensation. My hands holding part of the pillow while hugging it, listening to "dancing with the devil" by Demi Lovato. I should not be much related to this song cuz I do not have problems with drugs, but somehow I feel like this song was written for me. Every time that I feel sad in a need of crying, I play this song. Then I cry and let all my pain vanish, but it is not enough. I am in too much pain. Every time I gather myself, try to find the strength to keep looking forward, but I end up blaming myself for not living life as I planned to live. I feel incomplete, disappointed with myself, and refuse to accept this reality. All of this because I know that I deserve more than this, even though I insist on blaming myself, my heart says that I am not the one to be blamed. No one is, right? It's this fucking covid. But, my brain, oh lord, my brain is the one who is playing tricks on me, crucifying me, making me believe that all this is on me! I ain't masochist! I am not living like this because I want, but because I have no way out. I am feeling like I become a burden to some people, like if I am bothering people with my problems, and also that I am like an animal, I am speaking what I am feeling but people are not listening or understanding what I am trying to tell them.
Just now, I talked to my Chinese friend who made my stay in china one of the best. Things that I lived, ate and did there, I will never forget. They are still on my mind. So, this friend of mine, always video calls me and introduces me to her friends and places that she visits. Well, I am not much excited to answer her phone cuz she reminds me of a time when I had to make a decision that is one of my best regrets. Whenever I talk to her, I miss even more china, a place where I lived shortly, but happily and I cannot wait to return. Hopefully this year!
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Far from being ok
RandomFeelings that cannot be held, nor kept for me. Real feelings from someone who has anxiety and is trying to relieve the emotions through art. Words full of profound meaning to spread out and reach those who might be having hard times too and to tho...
