My pain is beyond of taking medicines for relieving. I guess there is no medicine that would make me feel less painful. I look back time and I am splited into 2 two different people. I always feared to end up depressed, I tried to avoid this but this is not recently. Started when I lost the person that I loved the most, someone that taught me so much, but unfortunately I cannot remember her face clearly and even her voice it's strange to me. Like if I had a dream that I cannot remember. I blame myself for forgetting about a huge and important piece of me that unfortunately will not be here to hug me, someone to give sense to my life again, my dearest grandmother. I am just exhausting, a person without dreams is just someone who exists, is that what I think and I might be wrong. But dreams makes a human being keep living, it is our fuel! Mine became only paranoids, stuffs that I was seeing coming but not part of this reality. I had so many dreams and I thought that I could succeed.
It is a long distance to reach them, I though I would be able to find my dearest job as a translation since I love learning and speaking new languages, but it is not happening. And I am refusing to give up, even with this louder voice inside my head reminding me that I can mix all my medicines and drink them all or use a knife to cut myself. I am saying all these things not because I want people to have pity, I want them to know me for real, to help those who are feeling the same, to comfort them...I feel your pain!. It is so hard not to think about bad thoughts. Crying seems the wised solution. I have no control on this, I try to avoid bad thoughts and get myself busy, but somehow it manages to take me down. Reminding me of my sickness or even if I stay most of my time in a quiet and dark room, I will not have peace of mind. It is full of devil's commands that I do not want to attend even thought it's tempting.
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Far from being ok
RandomFeelings that cannot be held, nor kept for me. Real feelings from someone who has anxiety and is trying to relieve the emotions through art. Words full of profound meaning to spread out and reach those who might be having hard times too and to tho...
