Letters

To the guy who didn't know

A letter to the guy who didn't know...

I want to complain about love being so unfair. What did I ever did to deserve this? Why did I like you? Why did I loved you?

It's been years, and you're the only one, among all my crushes, who remained. You never left my heart.

You always have a special spot in my life, in my heart.

And I badly want to remove you. I badly want to forget my feelings about you. Because you're not aware of my existence.

You don't know my name. You don't know me at all.

I am a complete stranger to you. A schoolmate. A student like you.

I always look at you from afar.

Thinking of thousands of what ifs.

What if you knew me?

What if we were friends?

What if there's a possibility for us to happen?

A thousands of what ifs inside my head that always makes my hopes up.

Every night, I'll cry because of this stupid feelings of mine. I'll cry until the sheets of my pillows were covered with my own tears.

I'll cry until I bleed. Until my room was filled with waters from my eyes. I'll cry until I'm drowning myself by my own tears. I'll cry to let this pain inside of me, once and for all, out.

I'll cry until my body ran out of water.

But my feelings for you are still there, so much alive. It's like a fire I couldn't kill. Like a poison I couldn't eat because it is deadly.

So deadly.

I don't like this feeling at all. But I can't hide my excitement every time I see you.

You, who didn't know my existence, don't know how you turned my world upside down.

You don't know how much you make me happy every time we cross paths.

You don't have any idea how easily you can make me smile. You don't know that randomly thinking of you can already make me feel better. You don't know that seeing even a glimpse of your face from afar could already brighten and made my whole entire day.

You don't know even the slightest idea about how you make me crazy. About how my heart make its own rhythm inside of me every time I came close to you.

Every time I hear your name.

Every time I see your face, your laughters, and even your straight face. How you walked and talked.

You don't know that I memorized your back; your shoulders, your hair, the way you stand.

You don't have an idea, even the slightest and littlest idea of how much I feel for you.

You don't know the tears I shed because of the impossibility for an us, even for a friendship.

You don't know the poems and songs I wrote just for you. The songs I sang dedicated to you. You don't know that you've been my inspiration to go to school everyday, to look forward to every morning at our morning assembly, my inspiration to my studies.

You don't know the nights I've spent, stalking your profile, crying over your status and photos with this pretty and perfect girl.

You don't know how many times my friends stopped me from liking you. You don't know all the heartaches I've been through because of my love for you.

You don't know all that.

And it pains me, so much, to see you happy with someone else.

Someone, who isn't me.

I always thought that there's a chance, because of all those love stories I've read. The influence of the books I read over and over again, imagining it happening to us.

You don't know that everyday, I always tell myself that maybe, this is our day. That maybe, this day you'll get to know me. That maybe, after all these times, this is the day when you will know my name.

But that day didn't happened. Simply because we're not meant to be.

But I couldn't accept that.

How could I accept that dreadful truth? How could I ever accept that you will never know me? How could I ever forget the thought of you? The strands of your soft hair? The freckles on your face? Your eyelashes? Your smiles and laughters that has become music to my ears? Your hands? Your eyes that could easily melt my heart?

You're the air that I breathe, you became my world, my everything. But sadly, I don't own, any spot, even the littlest and tinniest one, in your life.

I wish that someday, you'll look at me the way I look at you.

Heaven knows how much I feel for you, how much I love you. How much strong my feelings are for you.

I wish that someday, you'll appreciate yourself the way I appreciate you.

I wish that someday, something impossible would happen.

I wish that someday, I'll have the courage to confront you.

Someday, you will see my worth.

Someday, we will have our time.

Someday, or in another lifetime, maybe you'll know my name.