Letters

Draft #8

Dexter,

I know I said na okay lang. Na naiintindihan kita. At sanay na rin ako from you treating me this way... but it doesn't mean it hurt any less. Masakit parin, how you could easily ignore me. As if I didn't matter.

Do I really matter, Dexter? May totoo man lang ba sa mga sinabi mo?

I thought you wanted to really try this time? Akala ko ba, this time, ayaw mo ng maudlot? We've been coming and going in each other's lives... akala ko ba this time, iba na? Na maybe this time, tayo na talaga?

Pero bakit... hindi kita maramdaman?

I know, I said that we should focus on our acads first. Na hindi muna dapat ito ang priority natin. But it still hurts. 

It hurts how you could easily ignore me. How you could easily go on with your life without even trying to make me feel that I do matter. Na importante ako sayo.

It's been... I don't know.. five? Six? I lost counts of how many weeks, or months, since I last heard from you. At ngayon, the year is about to end. Pero ni isang hi from you, wala. Ni anino mo, hindi ko makita. 

Kahit sobrang gago ka, miss na kita. At ang sakit sakit. Na sabi mo, importante ako sayo... pero kabaligtaran nun yung pinaparamdam mo sakin.

I know, I've seen this one coming. We've been through this before.. at nandito na naman ako. Alam mo yung nakakatawa? I can't seem to not accept you whenever you've decided to come back in my life. I wonder what kind of spell you've cast on me.

But despite your toxicity, despite your crappy way of treating me since day 1, nandito parin ako e. Kahit na wala kang pakialam, ako meron parin e. I don't even know if I want to get out of here... there's a part of me that still wants to stay. That still wants to hold on. Kasi kung aalis ako...who would be there for you? Sinong sasalo ng mga luha mo?

I just wish you don't disappear like you're doing to me now, you know? Sana, hindi ka magparamdam kapag convenient lang for you. I think I deserve more than that. 

But I made a promise with myself. 

I'm sorry, but when this year ends and another one begins, I promised myself I would give myself another chance and remove the things, and people, that's weighing me down. I'm gonna remove toxic people and things in my life... because I owe myself that.

Hayaan mo, may natitirang araw pa ako para masaktan dito. May ilang araw pa ako para magpaka-Carson sayo.

But when this year ends, I hope to finally stop allowing myself to be your Carson. Because I deserve so much better than that.

And maybe, this is the universe's way of telling us that this is really not meant to be. Kasi paulit-ulit na tayong bumabalik dito, pero there's always something that's keeping us apart. 

Maybe, we're just making ourselves believe that there's really something here, that we're really happy, when in reality, we're just trying to fill the void we feel inside. Maybe, we're just scared of being alone.

Pero kahit gago ka, you matter to me. Kahit rin hindi ako nagma-matter sayo.

You'll always matter.

But maybe, we're better off each other. Maybe, we should just stop trying to make this work... whatever this is.

I wish I have the guts to send this to you.

Danielle