Letters

Draft #2.1

Dear Jeremy,

This is my second time writing to you and guess what? I probably won't send it.

I wanted to ask you, what the hell happened?
Hindi ko alam. Bakit? Anong nangyari? All of a sudden, bigla ka nalang nawala. Akala ko ba masaya tayo? O ako lang ang masaya satin? Anong nangyari? Bakit bigla ka nalang nawala? Bakit bigla mo nalang akong iniwan?

Bakit bigla ka nalang bumitaw? When you were the one who promised that you would stay. You promised me a lot of things, Jeremy. Pero bakit wala ka na? Sabi mo mahal mo ako. Sabi mo maghihintay ka. Is this what I get for being a coward? Dapat bang sinabi ko na sayo noon pa na I feel the same way? You promised that you would wait for me. I wouldn't be reacting this way if you hadn't promised me anything. Pero hindi e, you fucking promised that you would wait for me.

Pero iniwan mo ako sa ere. Pakshet, iniwan mo ako sa ere. Do you know how much that hurts? It hurts like hell. Iniwan mo ako sa ere. When you were the one who said 'I love you' first. Akala ko iba ka. Mas gago ka pala.

You said you love me, pero bakit nawala ka nalang bigla? And you're living your life as if nothing happened. As if I didn't happened. You're living normally while I'm miserable. I keep thinking about what might happen. It's been 6 months and I'm still thinking of what the hell might happened. Why the hell did we stopped talking to each other? I'm still hurting while you- you're living your life and you're perfectly fine. Ako lang yung nasasaktan when in the first place, ikaw naman yung nanggulo sa buhay ko.

You can't just make me feel everything, and then leave. You don't do that. You don't fucking do that to someone you love.

But you fucking did.

You did it and I'm the only one who's affected. How can you continue living your life as if you didn't left me hanging? Ang unfair mo. Ang unfair unfair mo.

Bakit hindi mo ako binigyan ng rason?

You could've said something. You could've fucking said something! You could've explained that you've found someone new, or that you just drifted apart and one day, realized that you no longer love me. You could've warned me but you didn't. Ang sama sama mong tao. Paano mo nagawa sakin ito? Akala ko ba totoo ka? Naniwala ako sayo. Naniwala ako sa mga salita mo. I'm so stupid for actually believing that you'll wait. I'm so stupid for believing in you.

I wanted to say a lot of things to you, pero nangingibabaw yung sakit na iniwan mo.

I'm so angry with you. Pero siguro, eto na yung closure na hinahanap ko. Maybe this is the sign na kailangan ko na ring mag-let go dahil ikaw, matagal mo na akong binitawan. Ang gago mo lang for making me believe all those things. Ang unfair unfair lang kasi ikaw naman itong nanggulo sa buhay ko. But you're the one who left first. How fucked up is that?

I hope this will be the last time I'll save a draft letter to you.

- Jackie