An Idol's Secret | SKZ Fanfic ♡

Chapter 75

The never-ending silence drove both us insane; I just couldn't find the exact words to tell him, nor the right words to excuse myself. I had known and loved Jaehyun all of my life, yet in that moment, I started to realize how truly toxicity can spread right under your nose, how love could truly make you blind.

I had been trying to escape such love all of my life, yet every single time I thought I had finally gotten away from it, it still would come and haunt me, like an eternal nightmare called life.

Not only had I been hiding such a bad dream to Chan, but I had been hiding it from my own self...I left it buried where no one else could ever find it, but just in that exact moment, both of us could just not endure it anymore.

"Why did you do that to me back then?" such question made my spine start to shiver, while trying my best to not reminisce of that moment, (that had just been a couple of hours ago) the grand mistake.

I couldn't respond, I just didn't have what it took to even form a coherent sentences, as my small cries and weeps would stop me from ever doing so.

"Stop crying, tell me something! Anything!! Tell me that you don't regret what you did, tell me that you enjoyed every single thing you did with Jae today, but just tell me something!!!" he desperately begged, but once he realized that I wasn't going to be able to say anything, he let out a small, disappointed sigh.

"Just forget it, what right do I even have to tell you to do this."

"I'm sorry, even if I try to conceal my feelings for him, it can't be erased." I couldn't turn back to where I came from, it was just too late for that now. Looking towards the ground in absolute shame, the only thing I wanted was to be swallowed by the ground.

Wanting to be swallowed up, wanting to reborn.

No matter how much I tried to run away from the sinful lie, I just wasn't fast enough to stop it, I wasn't fast enough in hiding it. Burying these emotions for such a long time made us both lose our sense of emotions, lose the limit of desperation.

At one point, we just couldn't endure it any longer, that killing silence and empty space ourselves was starting to break apart.

"Was I not enough for you?" such words of his broke me, knowing fully well that he was more than enough for me, he was perfect.

Yet I was far from his reach, his level. I was the imperfection that kept tainting him, I couldn't continue breaking him.

"You were more than enough, that was the problem, we both knew very well that this was never going to end well." we foolishly kept going, even though everything was against us, we were never meant to become this way, you never meant to fall beneath my traps.

Nor did I want to get attached to you, I was only using you to prove a point, yet I fell in love again while doing so. I never wanted to become selfish, but I wanted you all for myself, yet I just couldn't ever love you again.

I needed to hate you, I needed to get away from you.

"I was an absolute fool for not realizing his intentions, yet what are yours? Do you still believe you're the victim here?"

"The guy who made another man bleed until he couldn't see?" I needed him to see the truth; No one was right here, no one ever did what a good person would do, as we were never good people in the first place.

"I never wanted myself to be a victim here." I let out a loud scoff, this world was repeating itself and I was the one allowing it to happen, for the same reason that I had always excused myself.

I needed to come back home and tell my members that we were safe, that the bad guys wouldn't come anymore and hurt us. They wouldn't hurt us anymore as long as we just didn't do anything that wouldn't please them, so we all could have some sort of freedom.

Winning was the only option for me, yet you were making it impossible for me, you always did. I should've given up long ago, I had already lost belief in me ever recovering from this sickness, yet I always tried to hold it out, because it was all I could do to try and please her.

"This is pointless, hopeless." I muttered under my breath, knowing that the sinful feeling I had under me was falling deeper in this rabbit hole of love, making me naturally given into it.

"Don't say that, don't say that this was all for nothing." I knew that I was making Chan feel like absolute sh*t by saying those words, yet it was the only option that I had available to me, the only thing I knew.

"Don't say that these feelings were for nothing." the endless cycle of emotions was sickening to both us, we had to break free from it somehow.

We both were walking towards nothing, not knowing where we were even headed, not knowing where these feelings were going to go next. Breaking up almost seemed inevitable to me, in that moment, and I was sure that he was starting to feel the same

"You love him, I get that, but then why did you choose me instead? Do you really feel nothing around me? Was I only used the whole entire time?"

"It's fine if you use me, but at least tell me what I mean to you, so that I can stop going so far." tears ran farther and quicker once that sentence escape his lips. I didn't know what I wanted, nor what I had to do to protect me and my members; I didn't know whether those two things were the same answer, but I so desperately hoped it was.

I knew exactly what I wanted and what I had to do, but I didn't want to believe in the answer that I was given.

"I have never wanted to use you Chris, I didn't want to fall in love with you, I didn't want to fall in love with Jae!!"

"Never did I want to date Taeyong and I surely didn't want him to turn into a monster!! F*ck, I never wanted this life to happen in the first place!!" whoever directed my life and decided to write the story of life, deserves the biggest "f*ck you" the world could ever give them. They gave me everything I didn't want to have.

...heh

"But it did...everything I just said did happened, I did use you, whether I'd like to call it using or not. I did fall in love with you the first time my eyes met with yours." my voice started to sound more and more frustrated as I started to admit every single thing I had done in my life, revealing things I had never revealed before.

"For f*ck's sake!! I even liked you back then!! Yet even back then I was too much of a scaredy cat  to even tell you!!" maybe I was revealing too much of my personal life...but it was the thought that counts!! He started to chuckle a bit while I looked at him with a resentful glare, because back then I was dead serious, but now looking back, it was kind of funny-

"I liked you too, I just thought you were too anti-social to like anyone, especially someone as extroverted as I was." I looked at him with surprised eyes...did we really just confess our likeness for each other back when we barely could write and read?! What more could you ever get out of a situation like this one?!

"You don't get it...do you? I can't continue living like this, I can't continue living by your side." once I had muttered those words out, he started to hold me by the hand, as if pleading to me not to lease, with his hands violently shaking from the fear.

"Why-?" his shaking continued and continued, making me feel more irritated than ever before, the thoughts inside me started to boil up and bubble.

"BECAUSE, YOU'RE JUST A SICK FREAK!! A MONSTER!! JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!!"