Jennie
We both pause. I imagine that I can hear the saw in the background, but in reality I can't hear a thing. I wonder how badly Lisa is cursing me right now, and the thought makes me grimace.
"She really likes you, you know," Hae-in finally says. I'm surprised.
"I doubt that."
"Well, I don't know about now," he goes on. "To be honest, the saw seems to be traumatizing her a bit. But before she did. I'd be willing to bet my right arm on it."
Gee, thanks.
I groan in response. "Please, don't say anything else about bets," I say. "I've had enough to last me a lifetime."
He chuckles. "Yeah, well. That's why I called. I wanted to congratulate you on your sudden gonad growth-spurt and also tell you that."
"It's a little late for that now, Hae-in," I say, and I'm simultaneously relieved and horrified to realize that feelings are returning, and not those of the good variety. I feel unbelievably morose.
"Lisa's pissed at me, too," he offers. "I told her I knew about it. She wasn't too happy to hear that."
As if she has a right to get mad at Hae-in, I think. Sure, Hae-in knew. But he didn't make the bet, nor did he force Lisa to do it. I'm actually quite taken with Hae-in at the moment.
"Well thanks, Hae-in," I say gratefully. We both pause, and I can hear Louis clawing at my bedroom door, trying to get inside my room. I can plainly hear the carpet rip as it shreds beneath his claws.
"Any chance you're going to come get this fucking cat?" I ask seriously, all gratitude gone.
"If he's acting out it's only because you're constantly being offensive," he protests.
"Hae-in!"
"I can't right now, okay? I'll call you later and we can talk about it."
"Seriously, Hae-in. You owe me a new couch."
"Look, Lisa's coming back. Got to go. Bye."
He abruptly hangs up on me before I can say anything else. I picture Lisa walking into the house, pissed and running off at the mouth about me. And why wouldn't she? I was no better than she was tonight, in all actuality. She made the bet, but I could have been the bigger person and talked to her like an adult. But I wanted to have fun, and I wanted revenge.
But where is my sweet victory? Where is the satisfaction?
I stand up and shoo Louis from my door before fixing him some food. Thankfully, he leaves me alone once he's fed. I try to watch TV, but I can't focus on anything on the screen. The feelings are returning and they're more brutal than ever.
I finally do what any person in my situation would do in times of distress.
I call my mother.
"Hey Jennie," she says upon answering. "I was just thinking about you. Is everything okay?" She sounds worried, and I attribute this to her weirdly accurate mother's instinct. She can always sense when things are not well with me even when she's hundreds of miles away.
I wonder how much I should reveal to her. We've always been open with each other, but is it okay to tell your mother you seduced someone until she was half naked and left her cuffed to a bed?
She may disapprove, but she won't judge me for it. She'll hear me out and still accept me at the end of it all.
"No, Mom," I say. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I tell her anyway. "I did something kind of bad. Really bad, I think."
Why do I feel so shitty about all of this? Lisa deserved it. Right?
"What happened, honey?" she asks, genuinely concerned, and I'm suddenly pouring my heart out to her, telling her every last thing that's happened ever since the night Kai and I called it quits. I cry between my words, and I'm ashamed for all parties involved.
She listens patiently. "So you did all this to mess with that Lisa but ended up liking her?" she asks when I'm done.
I sniffle and uselessly wipe at my tears with my hand. "Yes."
"Have you tried talking to her?"
"For what, Mom?" I ask, exasperated. "I'm just a stupid bet to her."
"But you said she stopped you tonight," she says. "When you were pushing her to go further." I don't even think to be amazed at the conversation we're having, because it's always been this way between us. She's always seemed more like a protective friend than a mother.
"Yeah, she did," I admit. I'm unsettled by the realization. "You think that means something?" I wonder.
"It could, honey. The only way to know for sure is to talk to her."
"She hates me now."
"You don't know that."
"Why wouldn't she? I tried to rat her out. I maybe did, I don't know. Kai didn't come for Lisa, though."
"You both did bad things, Jennie. Neither one of you behaved very admirably in this situation. But if you really like each other you should try to learn from your mistakes and maybe start over."
"I don't think we're ready for that, Mom," I say hopelessly. "I don't think it's meant to be. The whole thing is stupid. It's just a little crush; I'm sure I'll get over it soon," I say, but it feels like so much more than that. A simple crush shouldn't hurt so much.
"Well, if you're sure, Jennie," she relents. "Just know that I'm always here for you no matter what you decide."
Surely, that's supposed to make me feel better. Surely, I should be comforted by the fact that my mother, who is several hundred miles away, will be here for me via telephone after I die on the inside. Yes, surely.
"That's great, Mom. Thank you."
I don't feel comforted by our conversation. But where the comfort was lacking, I found truth in her words.
We were both wrong. As a result, we were both hurt. And perhaps we can learn from this charade and take this new knowledge with us, because that's all we managed to gain.
When you play with fire, you will get burned.
I forgot to shut my door, so Louis curls up beside me on the bed and purrs. And as much as I pretend to loathe him, I take comfort in his presence at the moment and eventually fall asleep, ignoring my phone as it rings again and again on the bedside table.
