Jennie
As much as I don't feel like leaving the house - as much as I want to pity myself and succumb to some sort of sorrowful hibernation for the next ten years - I'm still unbelievably happy for today. Because today, my best friend is getting married to his soul mate. And there is nothing that can dampen that sort of joy for someone you love.
I try really hard not to think of Lisa when I wake, but it's a task made more difficult when I see I have four missed calls from her. I also have two voicemails.
My chest tightens, but I don't listen to the messages. Maybe later. I won't risk getting upset and making things any less enjoyable for Mino and Joy, because today is their day, not mine.
I play loud, happy music while I'm getting ready for the wedding. A little Jimmy Buffett always does the trick; nothing lifts my spirits higher than the thought of a little Cheeseburger in Paradise.
Jisoo arrives around four o'clock with Hae-in. He's dressed sharply in a button-down shirt and slacks while Jisoo wears a matching green dress that hugs her every curve. They both smile kindly at me when I open the door, and I hastily invite them inside.
"I could have driven myself, you know," I tell them. I'm not aiming to be rude, but I certainly don't want their pity over my situation with Lisa.
"Of course you could have," Jisoo says dismissively. "But I wanted us to go together. It's what friends do."
"Yeah, Jennie. So get your ass in gear before we're late," Hae-in adds. Louis runs up to him as if anxious to see his best pal; Hae-in quickly scoops down to pick him up, cooing into his ear.
"Hae-in!" Jisoo scolds. "You put that thing down right now. You're going to have cat hair all over you!"
Hae-in looks offended. "It'll come off with that lint roller you insisted we bring." He rolls his eyes. "And that thing has a name. God, you women are so crass."
"The lint roller only has about three sheets left. That cat is the size of a mammoth!"
"Would you talk about your daughter this way if she was overweight?" he asks indignantly.
"I wouldn't feed my daughter twenty times a day."
"She might have a thyroid problem for all you know."
"They make medications for that. And that's all the more reason to eat healthy."
"Louis does eat healthy! My friend buys her Innova. It's organic and shit."
"And he mixes it with whole milk."
"So?"
Jisoo palms her forehead in exasperation. "So whole milk is fatty, Hae-in. Jesus."
I slip back into my bedroom, quietly abandoning the argumentative couple. They don't even notice me leave.
I can still hear their voices drifting through the closed door, the words muffled but irritated.
After a few minutes, Jisoo joins me. "Hey," she says cautiously.
I'm in my bathroom finishing up my makeup. "Hey," I echo. I don't turn around as she enters, but even through my peripheral I can tell she's feeling awkward.
"How much more do you have to do?" she wonders.
"I'm almost done." I keep my sentences short and to the point. I should want to talk, to take my mind off of things, but I can't find the energy for it. And I know exactly what's on Jisoo's mind.
"You never came over last night," she says. She leans in the doorway of my bathroom, watching me, and I try my best to ignore her accusing stare.
"I know."
"Are you okay?"
"Mm hmm." I nod just as I finish applying mascara.
"Are you sure?"
This sets me off, and suddenly I'm full of irritation and short of patience. "Yes, Jisoo. God. I said I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
She stands stoically in the doorway, not batting an eyelash at my sudden outburst. "All right, Jennie." Her voice is calm.
"And what's with you, anyway?" I ask angrily. I don't want to get upset, but emotions are suddenly bubbling to the surface. And anger is so much better than this emptiness I've been feeling.
She narrows her eyes. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about you running your mouth off to Hae-in. Again."
Her face contorts to that of surprise. Finally, finally, she seems bothered by my words. And I'm glad. "It was an accident," she mumbles. "He just kept going on and on and - well, I let it slip about the text. And he hounded me until I told him, Jennie. I didn't mean to, I swear! But he knew something was going on."
"He wouldn't know unless you gave him reason to believe that," I say indignantly. I'm not sure why I'm so mad all of a sudden - I don't really even care that Hae-in knows. Truthfully, I'm just glad that someone was there to help Lisa, because I don't know for sure that Kai would have. And nothing would have ruined my facade more than walking back in there to let Lisa out myself.
But it feels good to take out my frustrations on someone, even if that person doesn't really deserve it. Jisoo has always had a mouth the size of a hippo. She's never been able to keep a secret. Why would I expect things to be different now?
"I'm sorry, Jennie." She looks genuinely distressed, and I begin to feel a little guilty for making her feel this way. My reasoning is selfish.
"It's fine, Jisoo," I say, relaxing a bit. I even force a small smile. "It's not your fault. This whole thing was my idea."
My thoughts fly to Lisa again, and I feel the same tightening in my throat - the same pressure in my chest - and I want to wallow in my bed and cry. Jisoo sees this and silently wraps her arms around my body, giving me a gentle hug.
She may have gotten in the way more often than not, but she did everything with my best interest at heart. I can't bear staying mad at her.
"Are you and Hae-in okay?" I ask, wanting to take the focus off of me and the reasons why I'm upset. She stiffens around me.
"We are now. He was kind of pissed at first."
I frown, confused. Was he that upset about her calling Louis fat?
"Why?" I wonder.
"He was convinced Lisa was going to talk to you. He thought he'd finally gotten through to her or something. How was I supposed to know that?" She's indignant in her response, her usual self-righteousness returning.
I pull away from her, feeling nauseated. "What are you talking about?"
She frowns and regards me carefully. "When I told him about our plan," she says slowly. She clearly thinks this should be obvious, but that thought hadn't crossed my mind at all. "What did you think I was talking about?"
My face flushes as I look away and scramble for an excuse. I just can't think about this anymore.
So what if Lisa was going to talk to me? Does that mean she's automatically forgiven? No. Does that mean I would've forgiven her had the talk occurred? No. Does she still deserve everything that happened?
I think about the last question for a moment, but the answer remains the same.
Yes, she deserved it. Would I do it all over again if given the chance? Perhaps not, now that I see there's no satisfaction to be gained from it. But I didn't know that at the time. I thought I'd walk away feeling victorious and powerful, not guilty, depressed, and empty.
I slide past Jisoo and out of the bathroom. I still haven't cried, and I'm thankful for that one small feat. "I think I'm ready," I say hastily, completely ignoring Jisoo's question. She notices but, thankfully, doesn't push.
"All right. Let me just go lint-roll Hae-in and we'll be ready too."
I follow Jisoo into the living room. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, which will only give me more time to dwell, and yet I also don't want to be scrutinized by their judgmental eyes. But I have to do something, and at least this way maybe we can talk about something - or someone - besides Lisa.
