THE TRACE OF LOVE // 양정원

제 19 과

The bus is about to take off but I stand there, fully astonished by the effect of his words, the gleam in his eyes seems confident but humble, my throat sticking heavy with impediment.

"Maybe you let me know what you feel when you get home." He softly adds.

I merely nod. Then without taking a last glance at him, I go on the bus and stare at my lap until the bus moves, leaving him behind.

Jungwon and his eyes are all I can think of the whole evening after I arrive back home. For the first time, the strange feeling inside my chest, the feeling that him asking me out provoked. It wasn't that no boy has ever liked me before. Or that I had never liked someone. But liking someone isn't the same as actually dating someone. And it's true that I have never thought beyond having a crush on someone and then changing the direction to another until I get bore of him—all it was just to feel little sparks of fun and excitement through a teenage crush.

A couple of boys have been known to have a crush on me before. But no one has yet ever asked me out; filing a commitment.

But Jungwon.
I don't like him. Not that way. Right?

He does make me feel fluttered and warm at specific times but I have never imagined myself with him in any scenario beyond the kiss he gave me. Though small tingles through his gazes and occasional, unintended touches didn't make me feel uncomfortable but even were enjoyable, I'm yet to specify if that enjoyment comes from me fancying him, if those sparkles meant I liked him the same or not.

But the way he asked me out this quickly and directly, with such openness and confidence with no anxiety for a possible reject, did make me feel something for him.

My heart beats faster when I rethink about that moment. I sometimes break out smiling unconsciously.

But the pledge of me wanting to finish high school with no cheesy drama of romance is still strong as ever.

I don't know what to text him.
I don't even know if I want to reject him or not.

He was rude and haughty to me the first time we noticed each other's existence, I can't forget it. But after spending in a close length to him for some time now, I came to realize how decent he is. He is confident, calm and sensible. He listens well and reasons well but he doesn't waste time for cobblers. And he does pay enough attention and needed effort to what he needs to if not completely works hard.

My head is an absolute bedlam of contemplation. Staring at my phone for a few minutes now won't get me anywhere but I can't help it.

When I make up my mind to tell him what I feel in person tomorrow, assuming I'll have figured out what to say by then, my phone buzzes on the bed and my stomach quivers at his name.

"Hey" I greet normally, quite differently from what I'm feeling.

"Hey" Jungwon sounds different however; indecisive.

An interlude covers up the moment for a while. That way I feel we both are nervous.

"I know you aren't into relationships now." He begins, letting out a mellow sigh. "I don't want you to feel awkward when we meet again. Or worse, tomorrow's tutoring. You don't have to come tomorrow if you don't want to."

I keep quiet and let him finish.

"I like you. Maybe I've liked you since the day you didn't slap me for kissing you." He confesses, making my heart race faster.

"But I'll wait until you feel the same for me. I'll wait until you want to go out with me. Because even if you don't feel the same now, you never said you dislike me. So I wanna be sticking next to you until you say you like me too. Or until you say the opposite."
"Okay, Daffodil?" He asks and for the first time I feel him less confident in doing so.

I don't rash my feelings for now. I only smile.

"Dan. You can call me Dan."
"Daffodil is a bit long, isn't it?" I chuckle.

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