Where Will You Be Waking Up Tomorrow Morning

Chapter 12

Alexa was standing in a black tight tank top, and  a pair of printed leggings. That's when I realized how tiny she was, she was small and frail looking, and pale as a ghost. She was mixing some kind of drink. 

"What are you drinking?" My voice still hazy from sleep and was pricked with curiosity. 

"I'm mixing sprite with lemon powder- if you don't believe me you can come up and look." Her voice sounded sharp. 

"I do believe you but I have to talk to you about treatment. You said you would get treatment." My voice was a forceful and concerned one. 

"I will...I've talked to a couple places, I just didn't want to bother you."

"When was the last time you ate? And PLEASE be honest. I'm really concerned for you." I asked her, staring at the shoulder blades sticking out of the tank top. 

"I don't know... a couple days ago. Listen...I'm sorry. I'm going to get treatment. I know I can't keep this up. Maybe we can look up treatment today." She seemed sincere. I pulled out my macbook from it's drawer in the living room. I don't know why I keep it in a drawer when I am at home, but I do, its nice and handy. 

She got a the laptop up and started googling. Page after page, she looked before saying something.

"This place looks nice, they have a partial hospitalization day program. I would go there during the day and sleep here and it's only from 9-2. She looked at the website, like a deer in headlights. Her cuts were almost healed and leaving lined scars, luckily the scars weren't raised.

"Oh Bren, I'm not sure I want to get better, I want the cutting to get better. But contrary to my suicide attempt I want to continue to starving myself. I look better this way. I know you'd rather I look like this." She seemed defeated. I was just hoping she wasn't doing this for me.

"I actually think you look too skinny. You look breakable... I don't want to break you. I want to feel you when you are healthy, I don't want to see you agonizing over everything you eat,  I want you to be happy, I want to go out to eat with you and get drunk with you. I love you, so I want you to be happy.." I looked at her and she looked back at me. I think something had clicked in her mind about why she needed to be ok. She had to be ok. She just had to. Then I started singing Bon Iver's skinny love. 

"And I told you to be patient,

And I told you to be fine,

And I told you to be balanced,

And I told you to be kind,

And in the morning I'll be with you,

But it will be a different kind,

'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets,

And you'll be owning all the fines."

My voice was soft and sweet, and I tried to get her to sing along. It was one her favorite songs. She didn't sing. Instead she cried. And cried, and cried some more before saying a word. 

"I do want to get better, I just realized. I want to get better for you. And I'm sorry if I'm breaking down right now, it's just I realize how much I put on the line for that tour, and I fucked it up for you, me and everyone else. Because I'm as fucking crazy as the day is long— to quote Lana Del Rey. I'm just gonna go back and live with my parents before I get too attached before you can't put up with me, which I'm so afraid of because no one has ever cared about me this much- more importantly in such a short time." She stood up and put on a blazer of mine, then started to pace and move back and forth rapidly before sitting down on the wood floor in the living room. 

"Oh Alexie," I called her that little pet name as I sat down next to her. I put my arms around her and leaned her into my hoodie and my chest,  "I would never do that. I need to tell you something, to make me seem more, i don't know, crazy. I used to cut myself, all through out high school and the "A Fever You can't Sweat Out." era. On the sides of my arms, my scars have mostly faded, but it was bad. I started to drink, and smoke. I was a mess. I'm not some perfect person. I am not free of regrets and fuck-ups. If you can deal with my fuck-ups I can deal with yours."  I was rubbing her back, waiting for her to say something. 

"Oh, Bren. you are absolutely wonderful. I just want to stay here in this light. The window light is beautiful just like you. I just want to lay here, and just be next to you. I want to see the light in your eyes like you just had." She laid down, making a pillow out of the blazer from earlier. 

"You are the beautiful one, you are the one with lights in those beautiful blue eyes." I laid down next to her, and we talked a little until she fell asleep. 

I picked her up and carried her into the bed, tucking her in I took of my hoodie and laid down next to her. It seemed to be morning again, but I didn't care that we had stayed up all night. I just cared that she was going to be ok. I laid in bed, and tweeted out a lyric.  Then laid into a deep sleep.