Where Will You Be Waking Up Tomorrow Morning

31 I guess?

tw minor abuse (very minor)

They were letting her go home. Secretly I was hoping they would send her to rehab, after dealing with addiction with Spencer, I couldn't stand to see her go that way too. It also made her too skinny again. I felt like she was too much to handle sometimes. Was it really worth it? Lately the bad moments are outweighing the good moments. Maybe her bipolar was acting up. I just wanted a drink. 

Dallon, Alexa and I rode home in silence. She was coming down and I was already angrier than I had been in a very long time. The tour bus was an unwelcoming place this time, Alexa in her own bunk, reading a book and writing. She didn't eat or drink. By the time we got back to the house, I was thinking of ending it. I couldn't do it. Then she starts talking.

"You know what Brendon, you pushed me. I felt I had to keep up with you, to be as spectacular as you, to be like you, some of us just don't have that in us. And I think it's best if we take sometime apart." She was emotionless...numb looking. 

"ALEXA, I LOVE YOU. I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE LIKE ME, I WANT YOU TO BE WITH ME. I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS." She starts to walk towards her tour suitcase with her purse in hand. 

I grab her hand, her other hand, and try to stop her from going. Instead, on accident, I pull her to the floor. Her body slams down on the ground, and she starts to cry. In that moment I realize, I am my own worst enemy. I just slammed my wife down on the ground and pushed her to her breaking point.

"Brendon, brendon, bren...don...how could you do that? I thought you weren't like that. Through everything, EVERYTHING, you were nothing but gentle and kind. And now you yank me to the floor. What are we both becoming?" She sits up and continues, "I am a drug addict fake, who is a crazy piece of shit, trying to live up to the persona she believed you were when she was 15. And you are a Loving, kind, individual who I have pushed to his breaking point, who has become just like my father, literally pulling me to the ground." She has tears running down her face. 

"No Alexa, I am a piece of shit who can't deal with his own life, and pushed you to be the persona, the persona I never was, that people believed I was."  I was crying now too. 

"Sing with me, or after me. Just this verse." I say.

"You could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again

A million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way"

Hurt by Nine Inch Nails.  I repeated it after her as she stood up and walked up to bed. Somehow we are both didn't say another word, but slept like a corpse next to each other. Both unsure of where to go from here.