SAFE (mxm)

Chapter 38. No Cheating (David)

   (Present time)

   "Do you remember that summer?" I pin my gaze into Sarah's eyes. She is squirming among the cushions, on the sofa in my living room, uneasiness written all over her face. I feel sorry for her, but it won't make me give up. "Exactly the one, at the end of which I could not attend the first day of school due to a panic attack?"

   "Mhm," she mutters, scratching her fire red head. I'm sure she didn't expect the therapy session to go this way. "What about it?"

   "You said something back then, when we got in the car." I grab her hand and pull it away from her already hopelessly tangled hair. "What was it? Repeat it!"

   "Davy, it was twenty years ago," she whines. "How do you expect me to remember?"

   "Oh, yes! You know very well what I'm talking about." I can be unyielding when necessary and it's a matter that my life depends on. She is perfectly aware there is no way to escape. "You tried to ask me about something, but my mother cut you off. What was it, Sarah?"

   "Stop it," she yells and slaps my hand. "It was nothing."

   "You're lying," I shout at her and jump up from the sofa. "We are not kids anymore. How could you keep secrets from me for twenty years? What kind of a friend are you?"

   "A good one," she shouts back. "Also your therapist. You remembered about the conversation in the car just a couple of days ago. You've never considered it important before. What could I do? Tell you during one of our sessions, 'Hey, you might get a severe anxiety attack and end up in hospital, suffocating and with your eyes rolled back in your head, but you know what? Something terrible happened to you and you've forgotten it. Let me give you all the details.'"

   She starts laughing humorlessly, shaking her head at my stormy expression. "David, you suffer from suppressed memory due to severe post traumatic stress. My goal as a doctor is to help you overcome your anxiety, not to provoke it. Have you heard about triggers? Well, this is a hu-u-uge one. Besides, what I know is too little to be of any use to you."

   "You should have told me," I hiss. "You're going to do it right now. Immediately! Start talking, Sarah!"

   "You become such an asshole when you are angry," she mumbles. "I've never done anything but take care of you. I love you, Davy. If I had the slightest hope that the truth would help you, I would have told you long time ago. Do you realize that this can mess you up even more? Is it worth it?"

    "Bullshit," I grumble. "What about me? What about my right to make a choice? I don't think it's possible to get more messed up than I already am. What if I hadn't remembered? How long did you intend to keep me in the dark?"

   Sarah lowers her head and sniffles, "Fine! Let me tear up my diploma first."

    I kneel before her, overwhelmed by a rush of guilt and take her trembling hands in mine, placing a kiss on her forehead. "I am sorry Boo-Boo. I didn't want to be mean. I just... I am afraid... and mad... and so tired. I need to get over with this. I have to know."

   "It's ok," she smiles. "I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. It's scary. I know. But you didn't kill anyone. I am one hundred percent sure. It's not who you are. If there was some kind of an accident, you surely tried to help that boy. You are brave and selfless. You have always been my knight in shining armor, remember? You are a good person and have always been. I also don't really know that much. Both my and your parents firmly refuse to talk about it. Not that I questioned them very insistently, though. You have to take into account the fact that your mother and father also went through a lot. It's not easy to see your child struggling, locked in a house, fighting to keep in control every single day. They were devastated, Davy. It costed them a lot to not let it show"