SAFE (mxm)

Chapter 55. Purple Rain (David)

[xxx - mature content warning]  

   (Present time)

   I reach for the faucet to adjust the water. My hand is shaking. I know Ryo's eyes are on me, even though I am standing with my back to him. His gaze is burning me. He is quiet. I hear his breathing. My skin can feel the air, flowing in and out between his lips, and sense almost physically his tongue sliding over them. His fingers, tightly gripping the edge of the tub, seem to leave invisible marks on my hips. The space between us is electrified, as if everything will burst into flames at any moment. The sexual tension is unbearable. I am not even sure if I can handle it.

   I am on alert. The adrenalin rush has heightened my senses. They are working against me. This is driving me crazy. My plan won't succeed this way. I am too nervous, too aroused, almost desperate. If I don't stop thinking about his closeness, I will be doomed. 

   I must somehow imagine that I am alone if I want to act perfectly normal. But how can I do it? Is it possible to get his naked body out of my mind when all I want is to feel it on mine? I can turn around, tell him the challenge is too hard and ask him to touch me. It's so much easier. He will be happy to do it, no doubt. What's the big deal if I loose? I will still be with him. 

   No! Fuck! I will lose too much... everything. I can't afford it. I shouldn't opt for the easy way out. That's not how you win.

   I slowly count to ten while waiting for the water to reach the perfect temperature. 

   "Aren't you going to take your underwear off?" Ryo asks.

   "Shh," I hiss. "No talking!"

   It won't do any good if he distracts me with provocative questions. I need silence to focus. 'This is an ordinary day', I keep repeating in my mind. 'There's nothing different, just me taking a shower... alone.' Luckily, my intimidating lover decides to let me be, only chuckling lightly behind me.

   I lift the waterproof lid, covering a small stereo panel, mounted on the wall nearby, and push the play button. Prince's Purple Rain first guitar cords fill the space. Yeah, I have taken singing in the shower to a whole other level. Living alone, with no neighbors in close proximity, can encourage you to do certain things which people avoid when their whole family is in the house and a stranger sleeps right on the other side of the wall. I have no such concerns.

   The music is sensual and inspiring. It is only the instrumental. I have a whole playlist of them, George Michael, Sir Elton John and many others, but mostly Prince. I do all of this every day, holding the shampoo bottle like a microphone, singing at the top of my lungs, swaying my hips. I never thought about how it would look in the eyes of a casual observer. I never considered the possibility of someone seeing me do it. In the end, there are two options, either Ryo will find the performance enjoyable, or I will totally embarrass myself and he will finally be convinced that I am completely out of my mind. 

   It takes a certain amount of courage to lift the curtain and let someone into your personal space, but he has already seen me at my best and at my worst and is still here. Nothing can go wrong. I must believe that. 

   I take a deep breath, hook my boxers band with my thumbs and slide them down my legs.

   "Chikusho! Ikemenn desune (Damn it! You are so handsome)," Ryo mutters under his breath. "Koreha bakage teru! Huzakeruna! (This is ridiculous! What the hell!) I must be crazy to do this to myself."

   I pretend I didn't hear him and toss my underwear on the floor. The stream of hot water washes over my body and my tense muscles finally relax. I squeeze a generous amount of my favorite Versace shower gel on my palm. It's Eros Flame. How appropriate under the circumstances! Not that I think a cosmetic product can make me more attractive, but it will certainly give me the necessary peace of mind and a little more confidence and determination. The delicate scent of black pepper and cedar, mixed with a fresh lemon tinge, brings the familiar sense of calmness and purity. I smile. I love these daily rituals which hardly ever change. They keep my anxiety under control.