SAFE (mxm)

Chapter 49. Sweet, Troubled Boy (Ryo)

   [trigger warning - mental health issues mentioned]

   (Present Time)

   Angel's eyes widen in surprise upon hearing my question. He gasps, desperately looking around, as if searching for someone to help him. His gaze pins on a big, spherical cactus, placed in the middle of the table.

   "Oh, Anthony," he whispers. "What shall we do?"

   "Your name is Anthony?" I ask completely baffled. 

   Why does he look so scared? I thought this was a simple question and actually asked it to make him relax a bit after the tough challenges I had put him through earlier today. I wanted it to be only a light conversation to get to know each other better, followed by a pleasant dinner. This is our first official date after all. It seems I made him nervous and even frightened him instead.

   "No," Angel shakes his head, pointing at the plant. "It's him. He and Sarah are my best...ugh... in fact, the only friends."

   "Oh, I see." My heart shrinks. We should have met earlier. He needed me long, long before that night we spent together. I smile encouragingly at my handsome, startled boyfriend and wave to the chubby plant. It is really quite cute. "Hey, Anthony! Nice to meet you! I hope we get along well, cause you'll be seeing me around a lot from now on."

   "You're sweet," Angel giggles. "Just don't pet him. His thorns are sharp."

   I'm relieved to see the tension subside and decide that talking about his friend might calm him down even more. 

   "I can say the same about the red-headed tornado," I laugh. "Sarah, right? She came across as pretty prickly herself. I like the girl though. Luca's expression was priceless when she slapped him. Honestly, with that big mouth of his, it was only a matter of time before it happened anyway."

   "Yeah, that was Sarah," Angel mutters, blushing brightly. "I'm sorry about the embarrassing incident. She's always overprotective of me. We both have issues, you know, so we are used to helping each other all the time. We've been clinging to one another since childhood. Sarah also has this... mmm... let's say... intolerance to a certain type of men. I mean... no offence to your friend, but... smug, good looking, patronizing...  I don't mean he is necessarily like that... Sorry!... Cough!... He just... umm... gave that impression."

   "You don't have to apologize. Luca is an arse and he is fully aware of the fact," I snort through laughter. "Believe me, I myself rarely let him live in self-delusion about it. But he's also a good person, loyal and selfless when necessary. However, it may take some time to realize it."

   "Are the two of you close?" Angel shyly asks, peeking at my face.

   "Yeah," I nod in confirmation. "We majored Naval Architecture, Ocean and Marine Engineering at Delft University of Technology in Netherlands and have been inseparable since day one. He is my best friend and business partner. We founded a ship safety consulting company together. He provided the start-up capital. Then I worked my ass off while he was storming the night clubs in Ibiza cause getting his hands dirty is totally not his thing. He's terribly spoiled, but has all the connections you might need. Oh, and he's as straight as one can possibly be. No shades of gay. So we never crossed that boundary."

   "I get what you mean," Angel chuckles. "I sweated blood to make my business successful too, but dad has fifty percent of the shares because I needed his money to start. I'm not complaining. Not a team player. I prefer to take care of things on my own. That's when I am the most effective."

   Since he looks calm enough, I decide to bring up the initial question again. It might be difficult for him, but it is very important for me to get that point across. He should be comfortable to tell me anything, including 'no'. Openness is the key. If he doesn't want to answer, he must not be afraid to refuse.

   "So, what about your name?" Straightforwardness is always the best way .

   "I don't want to tell you my real name," he says quietly, clutching his fists.

   "I accept this answer," I nod. It is exactly the one I hoped for. If it's too early for him, I'm going to give him as much time as he needs. "You are sincere. I appreciate it. Here is my second question then. Why?"

   "Ryo," he is staring worriedly into my eyes. "I must tell you something. You are aware that I have lots of problems. My mental health is not the best one. I think it's only fair that you know exactly what we're talking about. The diagnosis is suppressed memory due to severe post traumatic stress. The side effects are social anxiety, OCD, heightened focus on appearance, undereating, repetitive intense training and that's not even all. There was something in my childhood. It was probably so terrifying that I have forgotten it. But it is still there, deep in my mind, and keeps messing with my life every single day."

   "It's ok, Otokomae." I make him open his fists and hold his hands. "I am here now. You are not alone in this anymore."

   "You should think carefully whether you want to be a part of this," he breathes out shakily and makes a  pause to gather his courage. His fingers dig into my palms when he finally goes on. "I'm starting to remember bits and pieces lately. They are frightening, unclear, short moments, disturbing scenes... It seems... it seems that... I... may have..."

   "Come here, Ōkina neko." I pull Angel on my lap and hug him tightly. His body is shaking. He instantly wraps his arms around my neck and rests his chin on my shoulder. I start rubbing soothing circles on his back. My poor, sweet, troubled boy. He looks so vulnerable, sad and lost and I am so happy to be here for him. "It's ok. If you feel the need to share, do it. If it's too difficult, just say so and take your time. I won't push you."

   "This is driving me crazy," he sobs with his face buried in my hair. "I am not sure, but I... Ryo, I may have done something awful. I may have hurt someone... badly... I mean... may be killed... Oh, God!... It was an accident, but I can't remember it. I can't. I wanna know the outcome. I need to know what happened to that person, but I just recall one scene... nothing more."

   "Whatever happened, you didn't do it on purpose," I firmly say. "I know you well enough to be absolutely certain that you would never hurt a fly."

   "But does it matter if I wanted it or not, if the result is bad," he keeps sobbing. "Let me be your angel a little bit longer. Let me believe that I'm a good, innocent person. I think, this is why I chose this name. Maybe, deep inside I wanted the man I would meet to perceive me as someone gentle, pure, without the heavy load that I was carrying with me."

   "That's exactly who you are. You were a child. You don't have a clear idea what happened. Don't blame yourself for something that may not be true." I cup his cheek and kiss his wet lips. "I'll learn your name when you're ready to tell me. You are my Angel and this will never change."

________________________________

A/N

Hello everyone at the end of chapter 49.

Thank you for reading and supporting! ❤❤❤

Ryo has one more question and then it's David's turn. 

Did you expect these answers? 

Let's give our precious David some ideas. 😉

What do you want to know about Ryo? 😏

Share your thoughts, ask questions and criticize, if you feel like.

And don't forget to vote, if you liked the chapter.

Thank you!

Love: Anny