the ruin of my soul~ third collection of poetry

&...

o
m
g
why is he so mean?
a smile
forgot
a laugh
too much
a look of hate
but he says its not
just too lazy
& its all he's got.
a look of "in love"
he mistook for amused
& with that small look
his hatred grew.
talking to him
& crying
& giving up
not trying
wondering if i should throw away
being sick of all this lying.
oh my goodness
im so in love
it hurts so fucking bad
to think of how we'll never be together
all the memories we've had.
why is this so hard?
why is he so pure?
why does my heart long for
something so incredibly absurd?
& i hate that
i love him
& that i feel so much shame.
& i hate that
i know that
he doesn't feel the same.
oh my goodness
i want him so
& oh my goodness
i want to know.
today i might tell him
today he might know
tonight im prepared
for rejection to flow.
im scared
oh my god
what if it ruins
it all?
but oh my goodness im going to try
im sick of all these lies
the worst he can say
other than no
is
goodbye.