the ruin of my soul~ third collection of poetry

the ruin of my soul

prologue
this poem is a mess of
feelings
anger
confusion
numbness
scars
silence
recovery
and eventually,
everlasting love.
it wasn't supposed to be this way.

but i think it's okay.

feelings
all day and all night
his stupid face fills my mind
his smile his laugh
all the damn time.
the times we were together
the time that we spent
that no longer matters
because now he's left.

anger
IM ANGRY
at these feelings
and these thoughts
consuming my brain
IM ANGRY
that i think about him
every night and day.

contemplation
what is going on?
i'm on vacation
i'm alone
but why am i repeatedly
checking my phone?
i know he's not here
that he never has been
but it's his face
that constantly fills my head.

numb
he has a new girlfriend
and now i'm forgotten
but it's chill
it's fine
he was never mine.
i'm happy for him
but sad for me
because it's with him
i want to be.
wait what am i saying?
we're just friends.
nothing more
even if his new lady
is a major eyesore.
IM JUST KIDDING
she's pretty
and super kind
but i can't help but envy her
for "getting the guy. " (or whatever)

scars
i was so goddamn dumb
to think he could love me
because he met her
and now i'm a memory.
it's my fault
i was wrong
to push him far away
it was my fault
to tell him
i didn't want him to stay.
the most annoying thing about this whole fucking thing
is that he liked me when i had a terrible cheating ass boyfriend and now i like him when he has a perfect kind sweet girlfriend.
why did it have to be this way
why couldn't i have been better
why did i tell him so much
when now he's got her?

silence
now you have to stay quiet
do NOT say a word
leave that shit good
and unheard.
and whatever you do
do not speak
because they will use it against you
to prove you are weak.
forget what you had
and stay alone
anything's better
than falling in love.

recovery
damn.
that sucked.
i hated my body
i hated my face
i hated my arms
i was ashamed of my race.
but suddenly
it was okay.
i found the people
who had always stayed.
and they still loved me
for the mess that i was
they taught me
what it felt like to love.

epilogue
now i'm here
organizing my poems
recalling what it felt like
to be all alone.
now im here
holding onto my love
realizing that maybe
it was normal
all along.