Maria and I

Dear Maria 26

Dear Maria,

I stand before him, a wound where my heart is supposedly suppose to be.

This is it. I thought to myself. I'm opened. Exposed. I've dropped all the fake-ness. Everything else that isn't me.

Now you have to bear the responsibility to make me feel like I'm special. because I don't want to sit around waiting for you to tell me I'm pretty while you're chatting up your ex-girlfriends. I don't want to feel like I'm sitting around waiting for someone who threatens to leave me all the time.

Don't hurt me. I've been hurt all these while. Love is my last shot at being sane. I don't believe it exists...but if you show me how much you really care for me, I'll try to understand and I'll try my best to love you back as well.

Don't remind me that you're broken, I'm too broken to bear that responsibility to fix you. At the same time, I feel the pressure of having to love you back. I'm so confused. is this how a relationship feels like?

Its hurting me.

Its hurting me so bad because everything he says or do, or tells me reminds me that I need to get back up and obey. I'm not ready for this Maria...I'm not ready to love another person because I can't love myself yet. Heck! I don't even believe that that stupid term exists. I'm so confused. I feel like I have a better shot with someone else but he told me that he's not going to ask me twice. either I love him or I leave him.

And I can't bear to leave him because he took away my last special thing: my virginity.

I do not want to live with myself thinking that I lost my virginity to a one night stand when all my life I never felt loved any of the guys I've dated. And it was even worse for me at home.

You know how much I fear home. I get beaten up and mentally abused everyday. there wasn't a day that I didn't rock myself on the bed, quivering in so much fear telling myself that someday every thing is going to be okay. I was brought up in fear at home, Maria. that was how I was brought into this sick and cruel world. I was never loved. Am I going to feel that for the rest of my life?

I can't handle this. Despite my brave upfront, I know deep down I can't handle my future. I feel like there's too much emotions to bear. I've been closing up all these while...

Now I'm open. A bloody wound where my heart is suppose to be. the bloods mixing because the chambers have been slashed and my veins torn.

Oh, Maria. tell me I'll be happy before I die. tell me there will be a day where I find true happiness. Tell me!

Yours always,

the imprisoned princess