Maria and I

Finally

I have 3 new jobs, a new life, new friends, new church. 

Everything is perfect. 

I have everything...

And that includes the thing i want the most too.

You see... Ive been coughing up blood and its been hard to breathe. I wake up at night breathing heavily and Ive been extremely tired.

I dont know...

sometimes people becomes my mother and say that Im all fake. I have nothing. Not even this...problem. With my luck, all my diagnosis will surely come up clean and people will say

"You're fine."

I know. Im fine. 

Im so 'happy' Im 'fine'.

I have another counselor. she's great but im getting tired of talking. 

Im tired of breathing. 

So up till that moment, when my  heart was pounding, my body turning numb and i could feel myself wheezing for life. 

I thought. 

I knew exactly what I loved the most. 

Music. God. I love it so much!

Teaching it, learning it, breathing it, singing it, playing it, humming it, reading it, feeling it. 

I love every moment when Im listening to music. Its so clique. But its never been less than the truth. 

What i regret?

Being in this family. I really regret not ever fighting for myself, standing up for any form of freedom. My regret was conforming to them. 

Its my biggest regret. 

The person I cared about the most?

My dad. :) Thanks for always being there, dad. Although at times, you dont listen...you were always there. 

I suppose till that night, I vividly recall hating one specific person. Very much.

Its not mom. 

It was my brother. 

I detested his disability. Detested how he made my life difficult. In ways people don't see. 

People look at a disabled and think they're a fighter. 

yes. My brother is a strong person. 

But they never look at those around them. 

I know its not his fault. But i can't help thinking that if he wasn't here. How different our lives would be. I wouldn't have been adopted at all. Maybe i'd be living a worse life... 

But either way, that was the only person I hated with every breath I took. 

I've really had good friends. I'm genuinely grateful. and I'm also sorry. 

I shouldve been a better person for you all. 

But thanks anyway. 

And with that the stage lights dimmed and the theater turned black.