Maria and I

Dear Maria 13

Dear Maria,

“Kimmy, you’re not fun anymore. You’re so boring. Quickly recover.”

Those words echoed in my mind more vividly than the rest of the encouragements. He’s right…I couldn’t do this forever. I had to be normal again. He’s right…. I couldn’t do this forever. I had to be normal again somehow.

The only question left was-when?

When would I stop fearing anyone around me?

When would I get to hold another person and not fear so much inside?

This sucks.

Many say that we don’t really appreciate our lives until the last few moments before we die.

I didn’t lose it. Nor am I on the verge of losing it. But…I wasn’t living either.

Every day, it’s only anxiety I breathe in, I couldn’t stop breathing so hard.

My body was tired, numb. I was irritated.

I’m so stupid. I should have payed attention in class when I was okay. But now, even if I wanted to, I felt too tired to. It’s as if my body was weight down by so much fear. My eyes kept darting around whenever someone came near, moved and I was scared I would come in contact with them then. I wanted no one to touch me. I want the, to not come close. I was terrified.

Now I sit here, my head pounding with pain. Memories resonating somewhere at the back if my mind. The guilt and all, rolled up into a ball, crushing my nerves.

Oxygen slipping out and into my airway with too little effort, It was true, my body was numb. It was that feeling where you-‘yourself’ realize that you’re just staring out of your sockets and moving the body but you’re really not yourself.

I’m so tired…just too tired now…

Those were the last thoughts before consciousness slipped out of my grasp and the darkness ate me whole.

                                                       Yours sincerely,

                                                           The imprisoned princess