Maria and I

Maria part 28

Dear Maria,
Mama said to me:
"Remember to not have fun at all."
"Never leave your room."
"No one is your friend. They're all people trying to lure you away."
"Did you think that you were your dad's wife?"
"I hate your friends. I forbid you to see them."
"You're a spoilt brat.and a drama queen. You lie to everyone around you."
If these can be told to me in over an hour. I've been living with it for over 19 years. I'm 20. And it hasn't changed.
I've only learn to sing a song inside my head when she talks. She's not my mother. She's a jealous woman who thinks I'm trying to seduce my father.
That's ridiculous.
If I have parents and one of them was the devil, shouldn't I be able to consult the other.
I have no rights.
I have nothing.
I really wish I didn't live till today.
Dad said if I weren't around after iI bushes studying. (Cause I had planned to runaway) he said he'd be really upset. He's sick and still working hard to support the family. I'm torn between running from the source of my depression (my mother's temper) and staying on to be a dutiful daughter. I really wish I didn't live this long. Now I'm all grown up and I understand responsibilities. How unlucky I am. There are so many times a day when I look back and wonder why I never cracked up even after all those times. I've been so driven by madness and fear I tried hanging myself.
More than once.
It never works. It hurts a lot and I keep hesitating.
I've chocked myself just to have a moment of peace when I fall unconscious for even just a minute.
What am I holding onto? I've really got nothing. I don't really have to live for anything. I've always dreamt of saving the stray animals. Contributing to anything animal related but ... As much as my passion is for them, my depression is drivin me crazy.
It doesn't help that I'm the only international student in class.
The feeling is unbearable.
I'd rather die already.
I wish I'd never been born. I'm tired of crying over that. So now I wish I'd hurry up and die.
It's too painful to live like this. It's not just something you can cure with medicine. Depression is when you live constantly thinking of ending your life no matter what you do, or where you are.
And it's so difficult.
I need help.
But I'm too tired to try anymore.
Someday I'll succeed in hanging myself.
Surely someday.
From,
The imprisoned princess