Maria and I

Dear Maria 30

Dear old friend,
It's been a long time since I've written and it's only because I have been doing so well...so very well... I hadn't had any breakdowns... Haven't been crying and i looked happy. I thought I was... It was as if I had emerged from a phase of my life. That the whole depression was a dream... Nothing. It never happened. Perhaps it's my friends helping me, calming me, my freedom that made me happy. But then it happened. My landlady had been reprimanding me for not doing my chores, leaving a mess, using the heater, no visitors, "stop making a mess when you cook"... Honestly Maria, I didn't make a mess. She was just a lot like my mom. Stiff and strict and just not warm. The house is ice cold, the floor boards are hard. I escape to my friend's every weekend to relieve myself but then I don't get enough private time to myself. All this made me snap!
I went crazy.
I remember it vividly, I started shaking vigorously, trembling, curling into a tight ball in the corner of my room, my arms trying to shield myself as all the memories came flooding back to me. My breathings were fast and not enough. My heart ached! Oh did my heart ache. It broke. And I felt it. Everything rushed back and I screamed inside. Just as I had taught myself back then. My dad texted, he said: to keep it in. And smile.
But I was breaking. And and I couldn't do anything to stop the pain and fear and so much fear that it hurt my head! It came rushing back to me like a high speed rushing water from a tap finally freed.
I wriggled and writhed in pain as I fell to the floor. I slapped myself over and over and yelled: STOP STOP STOP as all the memories came back. I can't describe to you that vivid fear and pain that masked my nose. My eyes bulging open in horror as I squirmed in the middle of the room as if some imaginary shock collar was around my neck. I hadn't imagined that all this pain had been bottled up inside me...
I clawed my fingers into the side of my head and begged the memories not to return. My head was pounding. My vision seeing only the anger anger of my mother. Of my solitude. Of being unloved and I rocked myself. I had to calm down.
My eyes scanned my calendar and I told myself to stay strong for uni, for exams, for my assignment. I had to achieve my ambition.
And the fear hit me again.
I DIDNT WANT TO! I don't want to go out! I don't want to face anything. Please leave me alone!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...
And I bowed as low and I crouched as lowly and begged to the Lord with all my heart that I shan't live past 25.
I beg the Lord.
And I clutched my wrists so that I wouldn't cut. Because the last cuts had left actual scars. Scars that popped and swelled and will never ever leave again. I had them all over my arms. And when I'm alright it pains me to see them.
I didn't cut myself.
Then the final blow hit me. FAILURE FAILURE WRONG WRONG WRONG YOU'RE WRONG!
I am artistic but I tried, and tried with my heart to be scientific. I did alright but it was never enough. YOURE LAZY!YOURE A FAILURE!
my cousins laughing. Teasing me!
Someone else's ambition had been planted in my head. And I was driven over the edge on my own trait of perseverance to achieve it.
And in the end it always left me empty. Because the people who did them would only offer momentarily encouragement and then go back to sneering and poking at me. Then I remembered the times I was touched. The moments of intimacy I shared with someone else. Sex. And no calls. I was being used always always. AND I SCREAMED NONONONONONONO!!!
I DIDNT WANT IT!! It turned into rage and I yelled and dug my nails into my skin. I won't cut myself I thought as I saw only red. I was emiting a fight response. I grinded my teeth and hit myself all over. Like a child shaking and throwing a big tantrum, all the while tellin myself to STOP STOP STOP YOU HAVE EXAMS COMING UP!STOP STOP STOP!
And I passed out.
When I came to I was alright. My tears were gone as if nothing ever happened and I blew my nose as if my hands were acting on their own accord to mother me. I went back to doing my work, made tea in the big silent room.
Did my laundry and hummed a little before heading to bed.

The imprisoned princess.