Maria and I

Dear Maria 21

My Maria, 

Right now I am sitting on the thin matress of my bed, my neck craned upwards as I stare wistfully at the ceilings. Staring into the distance, as if i were staring at the stars. The tiny sparkles exploding and scattering, alligned in their own independant assortment. Right now, I am all that I am. Right now, I am all that I have. 

A new cut carved and burning on my chest, the irritation flaring under my skin, disturbing my nerves.

He's in the Intensive Care Unit.

I feel the tears threaten to pour out but it felt numb and nothing is coming out. I was tired of crying, alone.

Right now, there is nothing more that i want, than to step out of my life. Than to leave this hell hole and run away. My eyes narrow at my pillows, my head tilting to the side. Nothing more than to slip away and dissapear.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking so hard. On where did we go wrong?

Why can't -I thought slefishly-it be my uncle? why can't he be the one suffering with a disease? Why can't his wife also have leukemia? and he had to work until midnight daily just to care for two children? One hadicapped and the other not even borned from his own blood?

My uncle was rich, he has 3 houses, he travels every year, he has three working overseas children. They were not even nice people. They have the right to look down on everyone. and be looked upon by the rest of the family. While we take and scrape in encountering unfortunate incidents. No...wait...what am I thinking? I'm sorry.

You ask me to think about the less fortunate?

Yes, i could. But in this position where I'm so haunted by these feelings of sorrow, despair, helplessness, nothingness, heaviness, blackness, anger, lonliness, confusion...and hatred. I can't do anything but look at how bleak and bland the situation is. Can you blame me?

I would think, dear friend, that you'd understand that in the situation, environment i was brought up in that i could see the light in every dark. I live locked up in a confinement, I was induced fear every time I came out and faced every situation. You would think going this far, i could have adapted. I did. I swear I did!! But there is so much a person can take. 

I keep thinking, Maria. I keep and kept thinking.

If anyone should die...and leave and be gone from this life. It HAD to be me!

It was only the wisest choice. It is!

Take away my father, and there is no income. Take away my mother, there won't be a rigid system where the logic and responsibility taken in the household exist. Take away my brother, the only child in the family will be gone. No, even that should never happen. NEVER the only child of the family. Then I would be the unwanted child...He's the only reason I was chosen to live. I don't have a reason to exist! I shouldn't! So it would only make sense. It does!

Living with this family over the past years, make me think. Sure there is always this foreign feeling. Of unwilling love given and shared with me. But that makes them good people. They have no wrongs in their life in general. Especially my dad. He is a righteous, hardworking patient man. Who deserves so much more than just us. He's just the best.

I'm not even worth to be living. I should just go. I'm just suffering here.

A sudden anger swells inside of me. And I glared at the palm cross on the wall.

I won't ever understand what he does not see about the pain i am in. Is God that selfish? That he loves us too much to even let us go when he can tell we're suffering so much?

If he wants to see how good i can be at adapting, why does he have to hurt all the good people around me? What can't he see? Is he so great he can't even glance down to look at the mortals before him that are crawling, waiting, praying to be heard. I'm angry, Yes. Very angry. 

And at times, I'm so angry I don't know who the appropriate culprit is to be blamed! So...I blame myself then. That way I can accept it.

I'm so tired of all this. I'm so determined to close my eyes forever. I want to sleep away all these stupid commotions in my life. I don't even want to know what happens in the future. If now is so bad, next time it would be worse.

Don't tell me no! There is no such thing as better in reality. This is survival. It depends on how well one can adapt to the situation, the uncondusive enviroment and evolve into something numb, an opportunist, better. Something heartless to the pain that is inflicted upon it. 

I  have to go through that and I know it! And I am! And I will.

Success can never be achieved if emotions are involved. If nothing kills me, I will make sure I succeed and in order to do that, I will destroy anything in my way. Even if that 'thing' is me. And the proof to that is the constant words embedded on my flesh: Die.

                                                                                                                Honourly yours, 

                                                                                                         The imprisoned princess