Maria and I

Dear maria 18

Beloved Maria,

Does it never change? I wondered as my eyes stared emptily into the eyes of the teacher in front of the class.

Annoyance flared through my nostrils as I sighed. Being here made me feel itchy all over, my legs fidgeting as if they wanted nothing more than to save me this torment and get me out of here.

I hated the fact that I was in school.

That would only mean one thing.

I had woken up this morning.

I hate-

I mentally shook my head, my eyes trailing judgementaly over the scribblings on the board.

How rude of me.

I meant, with respect, the lessons on the board.

I was just being snappy.

as usual.

And waking up this morning, means I have to find 5 things to be grateful for.

I frowned deeply at the half done equation on my paper.

I'm thankful for the weather.

I'm thankful for the milo I made this morning.

I'm thankful for my earphones.

I'm thankful for my classmates.

I'm thankful for the morning air.

The empty feeling inside me hadn't left. in fact, I felt like I hated the place even more. like it was such a pain to be here. yet... I would have felt guilty if all I did was lie in bed like a sick patient.

I hated a lot of things. everything. there is nothing I need. nothing I want. that would make me not hate.

I hate the horrible weather here.

I hate the cars I have to look out for.

I hate the miserable looking patches of plants I pass on my way to school.

I hate the smell of the air.

I hate the sound of my teacher talking.

I hate the sound of my classmates talking.

I never had a problem entertaining myself.

So leave me alone.

Because I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate i hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate i hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate i hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate i hate.

" Guys, what are we going to eat later?" I chirped, flashing a smile. (I hate.)

Smiling faces, big features, heads turned and lips parted. (hate hate)

"Whatever we pick. nothing expensive." One of them replied. (I hate you)

My eyes dimmed immediately. I wasn't happy today. I want to eat what I want to eat.

Sit straight.

Smile more.

Be friendly so they won't bully you.

Be nice so they will sympathise in a difficult situation.

Go to school or people will judge.

Look happy, nobody likes somebody moody.

Act casual, you can't show them you actually hate every reason you're here right now.

Try harder. you're a failure.

Pretend to be positive, nothing is worst than admitting you're feeling negative.

I gritted my teeth and clenched a fist.

I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate.

Why do people have to talk?

Go away. leave me alone.

I had always like being left untouched. because the it means that there is no consequence.

I won't be scolded.

I won't be judged.

I wouldn't be annoyed.

I won't detest.

I won't feel bad.

I won't feel small.

I won't have to share.

I won't have to find an explanation.

I won't have to learn.

I won't feel unammounted to.

I won't be angry with anyone.

I won't have to understand.

I won't have to explain.

I won't have to listen.

I won't have to be taught.

I won't have to listen.

I won't have to hold back my tears.

I won't have to feel hurt.

Leave me alone. leave me alone. (you stupid girl, all because you couldn't leave me alone I had to grow dependant on you.)

I could have done it on my own.

Then again...

I pursed my lips together and smiled at the person in front of me.

It was my own fault wasn't it?

Die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die de die die die die die die die die die die die.

When one person is haunted by evil spirits and have them driven out will have it off worse, if they let the evil spirits back in again.

My eyes rolled with annoyance again as I heaved another heavy sigh, my legs crossing and un-crossing.

Go away. leave me alone.

My eyes narrowed at the penknife that layed in my pencil box,half hidden by my pens and ruler.

Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill

But it's wrong isn't it?

There we go again: rationalitity.

Go away. leave me alone.

Finally exhausted, I clicked the save button and thought to myself: I'm not crazy, i'm definitely not going to grow up into a serial killer (I still love God) but there are forbidden desires when one has so much anger.

Don't understand

Go away. leave me alone.

Yours sincerely,

The imprisoned princess